Ring Ring
Me: Duh Hello
Jesus: Erin, this is Jesus. I’m gonna need you to drop your baggage and come on, sister.
Me: Yeaa, that sounds great, I just gotta run a couple errands, check off Vegas from my bucket list and then I’ll head that way.
Jesus: No, my sweet, faithless child. I need you now.
Me: Now’s just not a good time. My schedule realllly isn’t conducive with that. You don’t want me anyways. I’m damaged goods. Big sinner. BIG sinner. Lots of vices. Avarice all around. I’ll just throw a wrench in the system and ruin everything. I’ll get lost and get caught up in temptation again. Not worth your time.
Jesus: No. Now. And I will restore you. I will equip you. And I will use you. This is not a joke to me, Erin, and it cannot wait any longer. Drop it, and come.
Well, He sounded pretty serious this time. And that conversation is existent in its’ written form and easy to read (maybe), but the calling wasn’t and hasn’t been that clear. Having a hamster wheel for a brain, thoughts rotate on an infinite and rapid turn table. Exhausting to say the least. Throw in one whisper of confusion or doubt or insecurity, and we’ve really got a muddled message.
Story time:
I grew up in the Methodist church and remember always being a very happy child. A few years spent in Virginia, a few more in San Diego, wrapping it up in Texas and you’ve got an ideal and well rounded childhood. I always remember a lot of fellowship. Being surrounded by people and food. Perfect. Other than the very casual fake kidnapping and threats of running away, I was and still am a loud and happy person.
Fast forward through a lot of life. I come to a point in college where I find that I’m really just a big jerk. And I’m kind of broken (and also broke). Wasting my parents money with my joke of a GPA, putting all of my energy towards going out and getting caught up in the latest, “I’m not answering his texts if he’s going to act like this.” Where had I gone? How did I get so dense and vapid? How do I go back to youth group and mission trips and leading worship with my brothers? Where did that sweet child and teen go and what made me go so far south?
I have no idea. Honestly. I don’t come to this part of my life with Buddha answers and having it all figured out. I don’t know much of anything and I find that I spend a lot of my time wearing myself out looking for those answers. Finding that I spend some time asking God,
“Are you sure I can’t do that? Even just slightly to a degree? No? Not in the budget? Maybe we’ll revisit this in 6 weeks, have a conference call with Jesus seeing as He knows what it’s like to be us…oh no, not at all ever? Ok, alright. No problem. Just curious. I’ll throw it away now.”
Finding that I spend some time in spiritual warfare arguing with certain ideals and aspects. If you can imagine me arguing. It is tiring and relentless. Just ask any number of the ex boyfriends.
Finding that I spend time still giving in to some of the aesthetically pleasing allures of sin. Lust, arrogance, idolatry, vanity. And I say, “Well, don’t do such a good job next time, Abba, and I won’t look at him that way.” I make light of it, but it’s serious. That’s someone else’s future husband. Not mine. It’s a violation.
But I’m hearing that I need to face each of those sins in their own time and let them go in their own time. My Heavenly Hand has spent more time picking my frail, limp, and hopeless spirit off of the concrete and cradling me back to His kingdom than I have spent wrestling. He has spent more time restoring me in His kingdom, feeding me words of the one and only truth. Guiding me to Proverbs and Ecclesiastes to teach me and instill peace and understanding. Putting me to sleep and keeping me in the house and in the word with Him.
It was a gradual breaking and deterioration of my soul, heart, dignity and spirit. And so it will be a timely restoration of all things broken. And I will never know the answers as we were never meant to. Ecclesiastes 8:16-17 Then I saw all the work of God, that no one can find out what is happening under the sun. However much they may toil in seeking, they will not find it out; even though those who are wise claim to know, they cannot find it out.
So, I will listen. And face sins and troubles day by day. And try as I may to do what I’m told. Drop the baggage above as He has instructed, and go out in the world with one truth:
I am only here to live out the love story already written for me between God and His people. To know Him. To Love Him. And to bring others to that same fear and Love.
That’s it people.
That’s it.
No other knowledge or answers or fairy tail, overnight success stories of a sinner to a saint. No other soothing misinterpretations of success and gluttony. No other work.
Just keep Loving. Keep reading. Keep surrendering. Keep smiling. Keep Him. It isn’t easy or comfortable, but He’s the only thing worth living and dying for. So, alright, boss. So I go on the world race where you send me. My trust fall right here in your hands. He’s using this to force me to let go and trust.
Credit to Luiz Baptista for being the vessel God intended and telling me about the World Race. I have spent many minutes turned to hours plopped down on that couch with Linus the hound. I have spent many more minutes turned to hours being grateful for God and how He has put people like Luiz here on the Earth to instruct and guide. Grateful for the day when I asked, “Luiz, how can I see the world?”
Me: That’s a little dramatic, Abba. We could have just gone down to the night shelter. The World Race?
Abba: I have different plans for you. Don’t question and quit blaspheming.
Me: Yessir.
Abba: I love you.
Me: I love you too. Sorry. Again.
The Holy Spirit warrants a constant apology, really…
