People, I am not feeling too inspired to write. I suppose I feel like every blog post should be this deep and revolutionary THING, you know. But, alas, lately I have been less magical I suppose.
Maybe you want to know about uninspiring day to day things…maybe I should write about that.
Or, maybe I should just be candid and say that I’m afraid I haven’t anything whimsical because I have been turning off. Shutting myself down as I feel the end of the race drawing closer.
No..let’s talk about ho-hum-fun.
Currently looking up uses for Azithromycin as I’ve been feeling …crappy…lately. Tummy no good. Fan is on high and Ralph and I are just sitting at the table in silence. Every once in a while a car drives by and a dog barks. A roll of toilet paper sits on the table and becomes more unraveled every time the fan blows past it.
Just now, the gate doorbell rang three times. I walked 100 meters (ok maybe 25) to go answer it finding that there was no one there. Walking back, Ralph asked, “No one?” I shook my head.
Unamused are we? Yes, of course. Ok…
My head feels heavy lately. My heart does, too. I’m ready to be home. But even with that, I wouldn’t rush to get there. I’m not in a hurry for the next season, I am just ready to be finished with this one. And the thought of 10.5 more weeks is a little daunting.
The fear that I haven’t done a thing on this thing and that I will finish having done even less is also already leaking in.
Go away unkind thought!
I want to actually sit on my beautiful, comfy, v chic, french cottage inspired bed and process with patience all of these goodbye’s. I want to have enough time to sit with GOOD COFFEE and listen for God to answer to some of the sadness I’ve seen. I want to be able to go through and read the journals from this and watch as God draws joyful memories to mind. I am ready to get to that grateful state that appreciates the moments as I reminisce. I like the nostalgic side of lil baby E.
So, as a way to cope, I think my head and heart just want to shut down. Turn off. Not think or feel for a while. As we have noticed, I am a deep thinker and a deep feeler. Both of which are wearing me out after 9 months of intense circumstance extracting much from the deep wells of my head and heart.
I don’t want to figure out why I tie my worth with people’s opinions or reactions to my thoughts, creations, work, or everything else. I really am not in the mood to dive deeper into that. It seems like a lot of work. And murky in my head. I don’t know where that started or how to fix it.
I don’t want to check in and say yes to feedback anymore. Those conversations are draining and I am always afraid that I am hurting someone or I am not being heard or I’m misunderstood.
I don’t want to answer the nudge within me to use all of this free time to go walk around Chincha, Peru and try and talk to people and ask if I can pray for them. Pushing past the fear in order to do that …bleh.
I also don’t want to post this blog. Because I don’t want people to fix me and give advice as far as what I should be doing better or 11 practical ways to push through and think positive.
So where is the resolution? I can’t end a blog without an answer! What is it??????????
I don’t know…
Maybe I am supposed to discover this one outside of words and a blog. Maybe this one is best lived right where I am, just as I am. Perhaps, something magical will happen when I am not trying to force a fix on every thought and feeling.
Think of the possibilities if I just say, “I don’t feel like doing this. That’s ok. Your turn, God.”
Think of all the magic He will usher in during this odd and seemingly hopeless type of surrender.
Or maybe He won’t and this will be a hard lesson.
Any and all of the above…is ok.
I do have one token that I am at least listening to, though I haven’t bought it just yet…
He saves the best wine for the end of the party.
