Like everything, being home from the Race has its ups and downs.
For example, some happies: 1. I dont have to squat over a hole or behind a church building to go potty 2. I can probably expect hot water every time I take a shower and 3. I’m way less likely to get food poisoning [#tbt to that one time I threw up out of a moving bus on the way out of India].
The not-so-happies: 1. Stuff is more expensive [I miss cheap iced coffee and pad thai] 2. I don’t have interesting places to go right around my house and I can’t hop in a tuk tuk to get there, and 3. Where’s the risk?
On a more real note, I’m happy because I get to reconnect with friends and family, I’ve slept well for the first time in a while, and I’ve spent restful alone time; like, I could really be alone for the first time in a year.
But, I also feel sad..
I miss the Race itself, but I mostly get sad because I feel lonely. Being around a group of people night and day for the past year only amplifies the sound of resonating silence. It causes me to feel more alone than I was before I left for the Race.
I could easily fix this by rushing out and surrounding myself with people, or skyping other Racers. Maybe I’d feel more productive in stamping out this ill feeling. But I don’t think that’s what I need to do [for myself, personally]. I’m tired. I’ll get around to seeing all my loved ones, and I’m excited to, but that isn’t what I need to resolve this pang of loneliness.
God is doing something here, and I don’t want to miss it.
On the Race, the topic of home would come up every so often [often when one was feeling homesick]. And on the Race, God taught me more and more about the concept of home. I felt good about eventually coming home, because ‘home’ meant mom & dad, it meant loved ones who loved me always, regardless of my quirks. It meant candles and bubble baths [comfort].
But since wandering around the world for a year and feeling void of ‘home,’ God began to shift my idea of home. In life, God blesses me with family and friends and comforts.. but that is what they are. Blessings. I need to remember that.
What if one day, God called me to be a full time missionary in a far away place, and I lacked all those things? Family, friends, comfort. What if I could never return to them, or only once in a blue moon? Then what would be home?
God loves us, but He gives and He can take away too. And if I continue to give ‘home’ such a concrete definition, I’ll allow myself to become an easy target to the enemy. I’ll be more apt to walk in distress and bitterness when, some days, I find myself in these lonely places.
Paul learned contentment in every situation and I could use that lesson too.
God’s voice echoes in this quiet. It’s one of a father’s and he’s beckoning me home. Home is where my heart is. It’s where He is. He’s calling me to intimacy. Oh, how I’ve missed that kind of intimacy this entire year! Lying on my bed/floor for however long, pouring out my heart to God, or just being silent in worship.
Only He can resolve this thing of loneliness and fill any gaps in my heart. I’ve learned this time and time again through relationships & friendships that have failed, deaths that were unavoidable, depression that was overwhelming.
All of it brought about a greater purpose [Romans 8:28, James 1:2-5], like this will too.
And these hard things were reminders that I just needed to go home, and rest.
Home is available everywhere I go. And I can find comfort in the fact that nothing can separate me from that.
“I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future,
nor any powers,
neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39
