This week was our first week of ministry for month two, so that means month one is officially over! We spent the week before at Lake Atilián for debrief from last Tuesday and then left the following Monday. We stayed in Mr. Mullet’s hostel in San Pedro which was about a three hour bus ride plus an hour on a boat across the lake.
At debrief we had scheduled squad devotions in the morning, worship and teachings in the evenings, and then each team had about an hour of scheduled debrief with our squad mentor and coaches once throughout the week. Other than that we had free time to do whatever we wanted!
There were a lot of tours and adventures we could book through the travel agencies in San Pedro, so we all did a lot of different things. In general we all ate some really good food (the best nachos of my life), found some iced coffee and Wifi, became obsessed with the hostel’s chocolate drizzle banana pancakes, and stared in awe of God’s creation. I also went kayaking on the lake a few times (only 10Q/hour, the equivalence of about $1.50 USD), rock climbing, cliff jumping, and a group of us booked the Indian Nose sunrise hike. On Friday morning we got up at 3:30am to catch a shuttle up the mountain for the sunrise. We hiked up the mountain in complete darkness, and when we finally got to the top we could see the glowing red tip of Fuego, the active volcano that erupted this past May. The sunrise itself was one of the best views I’ve ever seen, and was definitely worth the sleep deprivation.
Debrief was so, so good. Growing up as a pastor’s kid with my dad working every weekend and living in a home supported on a pastor’s salary, a week on the lake in the mountains of Guatemala with almost no responsibilities was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a vacation, and I loved every moment of it. The area itself was one of the most beautiful places I’ve been– the lake was created from the explosion of a super volcano and was so clear and blue despite its deepness, and it was completely surrounded by green covered volcanoes and mountains. So gorgeous.
Debrief was great, but coming back to the base and ministry also feels good. I’m the type of person who doesn’t know what to do with myself when I have too much free-time. But for the first time in a really long time, I got to relax and do things the things I enjoy because I had the time to do them. This past week God really showed me what rest and relaxation looks like, and it’s pretty great.
I also was able to process a lot of what the first month of the Race looked like for me. Overall it was great– I’ve loved living overseas with my squad and our ministry site has loved us so well, but I also felt like the first month wasn’t hard enough. Coming into the Race I believed that it would be the hardest year of my life from day one/month one, to our last day on the field in month nine. It definitely wasn’t though, and that worried me a little. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, pushing myself hard enough, or growing as much as I wanted to in my relationship with God. Throughout debrief God began to show me that month one was exactly what he intended for me. I grew up in churches that were always struggling, so my expectations for ministry were based out of my experience, and I was prepared for the fight. That was not how month one went for me, however, and I’m so thankful for that. I finally understood that God’s purpose for me in month one was to experience how sweet and drama-free ministry can be.
Growing up in the church as a pastor’s kid I told myself years ago that I would never go back into the church for fulltime ministry. I know not every church is dysfunctional and not every experience is difficult, but mine was, and the hurt and pain ran so deep it’s still affecting my family today. I don’t have resentment or unforgiveness towards the church body anymore, and it’s not that I never wanted to go to church again, I just never felt the desire to pursue fulltime ministry in a church setting. Even in the midst of growing up I knew there was no way I’d ever volunteer myself for this life again, and I would also never put my future family in the same situation.
But as usual, God has plans other than our own.
After we came home from debrief on Monday we had squad worship in the evening. A few songs in, two of my squadmates shared words they had for me from God, and a few days later a fulltime staff member had a vision of me, and now I know that God is calling me back into church ministry. I don’t know when or where or for how long, but I know it will happen someday.
I don’t believe God is calling me into the church just because I said I wouldn’t go back. I don’t believe the God I love and the God who loves me even more plays reverse psychology mind games on his children. I believe this will happen because he told me he’s going to take me to high places, and this is how I’ll get there.
I’ve already been vulnerable in this post, so I’m going to continue and confess that I’m not excited about going back into the church. I fought God so hard, pulling up example after example of how deeply I’d been hurt, how far I’ve come since, and how much I didn’t want to go back.
But I know how much better God’s plans are than my own, and my past experiences of saying “no” to him have never worked out that well.
I said a very difficult “yes”, but I know it will be worth it in the long run.
So someday in my future I’m fairly sure you’ll be able to find me in a church somewhere.
Stay tuned, and as always, thank you for reading.
