I’m a pretty tender soul.
Sometimes, it’s fairly comical. For example, I have district memories of being a little girl bundled up for outdoor winter weather and feeling sad when I looked at my small, mitten-clad hands. “Does the thumb feel left out? It’s all alone and so far from the Other Four.”
Yup. Tender soul.
Other times, having a tender soul lends itself to feelings of overwhelm. Like sensitive skin, a sensitive heart bruises easily.
I’m currently in Thailand. For the third time in two years.
When my feet first walked on Thai soil in October 2013, I felt a heaviness unlike anything I’d ever experienced prior. A place known for some of the most verdant terrain, well seasoned cuisine, and exotic wildlife also yields a horrifically destructive night life culture. Here, sex can cheaply be purchased along with drinks, and villages (sometimes unknowingly) sell their children into this lifestyle to slightly ease the steep poverty they experience.
Yup. My tender soul was deeply bruised.
The ministry my team partnered with that month does an excellent job of building relationships with those involved in the grotesque bar life, from all aspects. Offering them dignifying ways to earn money or walk in freedom from addiction, while sharing the hope and power of the love of Christ.
Even with this rich hope, the darkness broke my heart. I never wanted to feel it in that proximity again.
But, the Lord is abundant in redemption.
And He doesn’t leave things we surrender in shambles.
Fast forward a year, and I’m in Thailand for a second time. Again, partnering with the same powerful ministry. This time, the Lord so distinctly made me aware of how He is my light. And nothing the darkness boasts can shake Him from being who He is: Light, indeed.
With a renewed comfort of the Father’s goodness, I felt my time in Thailand to be full of redemption. I more deeply understood the power of loving people. Cause they are always worth it.
Amid this beautiful lesson, more bruises came to my soft soul: sometimes, people reject love. And to force them to receive it is completely antithetical to what love is. Free, indeed.
It’s hard to love from a bruised heart. And the bruises seep even deeper when the love is rejected.
However, I’m learning that things which break our hearts tend to reveal things about our calling.
Avoiding heartbreak can mean avoiding our unfolding destiny.
A few months later, and my journey with the Lord has brought me to Thailand for a third time. Now, I’m experiencing new regions of the country. Bustling cities to slow moving beach towns. One glaring constant, though: these damn bars. Full of pricey drinks and cheap sex. Groping hands and empty eyes. Plastered smiles spilling disingenuous conversation.
It’s so tempting to grow callouses on my heart. Or try to rig up some sort of soul-desensitizing armor.
Cause it’s pretty dismal here. And having a tender soul is exhausting.
And as I brought my soul bruises to the Lord, He showed me how that very act, bringing it to Him, is the answer:
Don’t let your heartbreak turn into despair. Turn your heartbreak into intercession.
I can’t, nor do I, even pretend to have all of the answers. But I know – and am known by – the One who does.
And as I see Him as light indeed, and love indeed, and free indeed, I can walk in Him and His character more and more.
A tender soul is shapeable. And that makes having a tender soul worth it.
From my heart,
Erika
