When I arrived at the Atlanta airport, and I saw all of the world racers and their packs huddled around each other, I just wanted to keep on walking by, right past them and pretend like I didn't even see them (no, I didn't actually do that, but the thought did cross my mind). I was so nervous, and I couldn't believe it was happening. As I'm meeting my new squad mates in the airport…it was like instantaneous. The walls around my heart sky rocketed, I put my guard up….I was not going to let anyone see how I was feeling on the inside (the entire week). All I had to do was make people believe that I was happy to be there, I was excited to be there, that everything was butterflies and rainbows for a whole week.
Yeah well….let me tell you how that worked out for me… God had a totally different idea.
Right away, He was telling me.."you can't leave this camp until those walls around your heart are torn down. Because by putting up guards you're not only keeping people that want to love you out, but you're also blocking Me out." So my response was "No, I can't tear these walls down, I'm not taking these masks off!"
Why did I respond that way? Because FEAR controls me.
-I hide any feeling that is not a good feeling. I don't want people to see me as weak. (I hate letting people see me cry.) I'd much rather talk about you than talk about me. I know I did it to a few of my squad mates in the beginning of the week. They would just ask me "How I was doing, or Hey what's up?" and I knew they wanted to have a legit conversation….but I gave them the easy answer, telling them that I was good, and then I quickly avoided any more possible questions that were heading my way. I peaced out!
-I avoid every situation that I'm uncomfortable with, or anything I don't know. Because I'm afraid of failing.
-I people please so much, that I don't even know who I really am. Because I'm afraid of disappointing anybody, so I just do what everybody wants me to do.
-I don't have much confidence in myself. It seems like there is always an expectation that I can't meet, which sets me up for more failure.
-I'm afraid of not having control. I'm a planner, I like to know what's coming up beforehand, but hey it's the world raaaaace, I know I'm not gonna have that…thank you training camp 😉
So the entire week, these fears brought me down. People were starting to share testimonies and started opening up to everyone. And I just couldn't budge. These weren't just 100 foot walls around my heart, but they were chained and locked too, and it all came from FEAR. I started playing the comparison game….that my issues were not worth bringing up because other people have dealt with much bigger things than I have, and again I didn't want to be seen as weak.
And every night at worship…there was a battle going on inside of me. I wanted so much to be free from this fear, and right when I thought the chains were about to bust open, the lies would come flowing in my head: "You're not good enough." "You don't know enough." "You're not strong enough." "You're going to fail." FEAR had a hold on me, and I thought it would never go away.
Until…….
I was just sitting waiting for the next speaker to speak, but God kinda jumped in front ( He's allowed to do that) and was like "Hey, Erika. HELLOOOO. I need your full attention right now because I'm about to speak some truth to you!" And this is what God said to me: you know…you will fail, you don't know enough, you're not strong enough, you're not good enough, BUT the difference is that I AM with you, which is why these are lies. Because "I will carry you through, I will give you the strength and perseverance, I will give you the wisdom and confidence you need, I will guide you, because I LOVE YOU and I have you in my arms and I am never letting go!" And those powerful words were like canon balls shot at the walls around my heart, and that night they came tumbling down, and I began to let my squad mates in, I was able to be more vulnerable with them. And it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.(And training camp was only a week long! What's going to happen in 11 months!?!).
As I began to let more and more people in, I realized this is how it was supposed to be. God gave us family and community because that's what makes us stronger! We push each other and encourage each other to become the people God wants us to be. And when your surrounded by community where Jesus is the center chances are they'll be able to tell you things about you, that you didn't even see or know about yourself. (Happened to me quite a few times at camp). And that's how community works, no….that's how the church works! We make each other better and stronger for God's Kingdom.
God has blessed me with awesome squad leaders, an awesome squad and an awesome team (HOLLA-lujah)! I arrived at training camp a nervous wreck with walls up.
I left with my heart wide open, ready to grow, and ready to spread the love of Jesus around the world!
