I knew that God was going to do something huge in month 4 in South Africa. As the plane landed, I had this feeling that I cannot even explain, but I knew this was going to be the start of a whole new season in my life. After all, it was the start of a new month on a new continent with a new ministry.
I was so excited!
And as I waited in the airport with my squad, I wondered what this month was going to look like, I wondered whom God was going to bring into my life this month. What kid was I going to fall in love with next? (I was under the impression I was going to be working with kids this month).
After a very very long travel day, we finally made it to Cape Town. My team and I stayed at a campground, where we stayed in a motel style room. (Nope, still no tent! Hey, I ain’t complaining.) We also had another team staying at the same place as us, so on our orientation day we went as a big group to both of the possible ministries for the month.
So the first ministry we went to was the Pumlani village (which was the after school program we were told about). In this ministry, we would get to hang out with the kids, and play with them on the playground, serve them food on Fridays, help them in school, and just love on them.
The other ministry opportunity was Camp Joy. Camp Joy is a Rehab center for people addicted to drugs and involved in gangs. At Camp Joy we would build relationships with the guys and girls, attend their classes, help them with any work projects, and join in on their recreation time.
After visiting both ministries, God was already telling me what ministry my team was going to have this month. My comfort zone was the Pumlani village with the kids, but the first two months of the race my team had kid ministries, and I knew God did not call me on this race to be comfortable. He called me to be stretched and to grow, and to discover the gifts He has given me that I still needed to tap into. So it was no surprise to me when my team was told that our ministry this month was going to be working at Camp Joy.
I was excited and so very nervous at the same time that I was going to be working at Camp Joy. I was nervous because I knew I was going to have to speak a lot more than I wanted to. It’s no surprise that I am the “quiet” one on my team. And the first week going to Camp Joy, I observed my teammates chat it up with the campers. It seemed so easy for them to talk to them and I began to wonder why I was so scared and why it was so difficult for me to talk to them. I started to believe that I didn’t have anything to say to these people. I believed that they wouldn’t want to hear what I had to say because I have never experienced anything like they have. I was afraid of not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing. But then God started to reveal to me that this was an ongoing pattern. I wasn’t just like this at Camp Joy, but I was even like this with my own teammates.
One evening we were having feedback (Something every team does). And I completely shut down. It was so hard for me to give my teammate feedback in front of the whole team. I sat in fear believing that I had nothing to say, believing that what I had to say didn’t matter. I was silenced. A spirit of fear had my tongue. I did not want to speak. (By the way…one of my squad leaders was also with my team during all of this, which means this whole fear of speaking was not going to fly). I painfully got through feedback that night, but I knew the next day I was going to be having a one on one with my squad leader about all of this (greaaat. More talking. More vulnerability. Everything I love…..not).
So the next day came, and I did not want to talk to my squad leader. I wanted to push everything aside, suppress it, and pretend like nothing happened. Well, I’m proud to say that I didn’t get my way. My squad leader was ready to sit there all day long if that’s what it took to get me to talk. At first it was hard, because a lot of the time I don’t take time to think about how I’m feeling or what’s going on with me….I distract myself with everyone else’s feelings, and I become numb to my own. I really had to dig deep in order to answer the questions she had for me. And as I did I could feel fear creeping up inside of me and I wanted to stop. But my squad leader took her Bible out and started reading Ephesians 6:10-20 (The Armor of God). She asked me to close my eyes and picture myself being covered in this armor. Then she asked me to just start speaking truth. She asked, “What does God say about you?” and the more I started speaking truth out loud, the more I was filled with confidence, strength, and boldness. After I was done speaking, I felt free! The power of God’s Word is unbelievable. Why? Because it is truth. My squad leader suggested praying these verses over myself everyday. So that’s what I started to do.
The next night it was my turn to speak at devotions at Camp Joy. I was so nervous. I was rushing to plan out what I was going to say to them. I wrote it all down in my journal and repeated it to myself over and over again so that I wouldn’t forget. Hah well, God had something different planned. That night I walked into Camp Joy, and everyone noticed that I was really nervous. The campers came up to me and asked me if I was okay….and I said no, not really…. and I told them why I was nervous. Then they asked me why I was nervous to speak. And they said, “But it’s just us, there is no reason to be scared.” And I thought to myself, wait… what am I so afraid of? All these years….why have I been so afraid to speak?
Now…. I was thinking this literally minutes before I had to start devotions. So I prayed the armor of God over me one more time before I was about to speak, and from there I don’t really remember what I said. The Holy Spirit inside of me began to speak, and everything that I planned to say before was thrown out the window. I didn’t say anything that I had planned. However, I do know that it was only because of God’s strength that I was able to speak that night, and it felt so good and so freeing to do so!
After that night I have felt like a completely different person. When I choose to depend on God everyday, He gives me the confidence that I need and He reminds me that I have a voice that needs to be heard. He is now challenging me to start using my voice, to make my voice heard within my team, within my squad, and with the many people He will place in my life.
P.S. One of my favorite songs that we would always sing at Camp Joy goes like this…..
I went to the enemy’s camp (march forward)
and I took back what he stole from me,( walk backwards and pretend to pull a rope)
I took back what he stole from me,
I took back what he stole from me,
I went to the enemy’s camp and I took back what he stole from me,
he’s under my feet,(jump) he’s under my feet,(jump) Satan is under my feet (jump).
Every link of the chain brakes each day….Fear will not have control….I’m taking back my VOICE!
