So, as most of you know, the Navy decided to release
me. This has been a two-year
rollercoaster, most of which I still don’t understand. This is what I DO understand.
In the beginning, when I first saw the writing on the wall
and knew that this was going to be a difficult season in my life, I was
actually pretty psyched about it.
Every Christian I knew always had a great story about a tough time in
their life that the Lord walked them through, and they came out on the other
side a changed person. Since
becoming a Christian, whenever I was either following hard after Christ, or
facing something really difficult, I always turned to men. A new relationship would always
distract me either from my relationship with the Lord or from the pain I was
in. This time, I was married- so
no new relationship would be able to come in. I knew that the Lord would use this time in a mighty way in
my life, and I was super excited to see what He would do.
In my mind, I thought that this whole ordeal would be
completely over within 6 months, tops.
But as the months marched past, and the years marched past- my
enthusiasm dwindled down to nothing, and then to despair.
I felt like
David facing Goliath. The Navy is
so big and I am so small- and no one, besides Lt. Chase, would stand beside
me. During this time, I went
through a major depression, a depression so deep that I was afraid of myself.
All along it seemed like the Navy was in complete control of
my life. I wondered where God was
in all of it- why He would let this continue to happen to me. Two summers ago, I even questioned if
God existed. And not like, “gee, I
wonder if God is REALLY there?” kind of questioning… like, nervous breakdown
kind of questioning.
This past year, I didn’t question God and whether He exists
(I KNOW He is there!). I didn’t
question His omnipotence; I didn’t question His omniscience, but upon close
consideration, I found myself questioning His omnibenevelence. Was God REALLY good? Did He REALLY want what was best for
me? Could He REALLY be
trusted? I wasn’t so sure.
So I kept fighting.
I have never been much of a pray-er. I always thought that God had things
pretty well figured out, and He would probably not like my input or feedback. And also, who make suggestions to
GOD!? Other than a prayers of
thanksgiving, I never prayed in my Christian walk.
But as I was getting ready for this missions trip, I decided
to change my Seminary class schedule.
They were offering a class called “Strategic Prayer and Spiritual
Warfare”. I have always thought
that the notion of spiritual warfare was pretty hokey, but I know that if it is
anywhere, it is probably in the bars and brothels of southeast asia- and I felt
that I owed it to these girls to be as well prepared as I could to fight for
them.
So… I started praying my little heart out. I prayed for some things that there
were absolutely NO signs of every happening, and I saw them begin to
manifest. I began to wonder if
there was a spiritual element to my captivity in the Navy, so I began to pray
that those stronghold would be broken, and if it was not God’s will for me to
stay in the Navy, that anything preventing that from happening would be bound
up.
But as the Race’s launch date drew nearer… I got
scared. I thought that I might not
be going. It certainly didn’t look
promising. So I recruited a
bunch of my Christian friends to begin praying, too.
And you all know how it turned out- I was released from the
Navy one week before launch. My
bag was already packed. I had
already bought my plane ticket.
And here I am, in Phnom Penh, Cambodia about to begin our ministry
working with children who are in extreme high-risk situations of being
trafficked… and I get the privilege of teaching them how to read.
I have developed more faith from this situation than during
the entire rest of my walk with the Lord combined. This has strengthened my marriage with my husband- we have
been married only 2 years and 5 months- so for the majority of our marriage, he
has had a real basket case for a wife- and yet he loves me as Christ loves the
church. My family really rallied
around me- and I saw a love from them that healed my heart. I had Dharma, my dear friend from
Maryland, who stood by me and cheered me up pretty regularly. And of course, Lt Chase- my advocate,
the officer who fought on my behalf, and whom I wanted to be just like had I
become a commissioned officer.
And another cool thing that came from this- God really moved
mountains to bring me here. (Not
only this story, but also my funding.
I was the person with the least funding at training camp. I didn’t think I could ever raise the
money to go. I prayed about it
everyday, and then on a random Tuesday, I got a phone call from a woman at
church whose daughter I discipled.
She said that her and her husband would like to donate $6300 to my
trip. I had already raised the
other $1000… so I was instantly fully funded- the first in my whole
squad.) So when doubts creep in
that I don’t belong here- for once, I don’t’ believe them. I KNOW I belong here. God personally brought me here.
Now that I have been brought into freedom… I am even more
fired up about bringing these girls into freedom!
