So how did I know that my heart had changed was we neared
the end of our time in Thailand?
As you might recall, I was less than psyched about all of
the johns who seemed to want to chat it up with me when I was trying to do my
“real” job-ministering to the prostitutes. But that was before I met Alexander*. He was just sitting there at my
favorite bar one night, drinking and talking with a few of the girls who work
there. The girls saw me walking up
to the bar and invited me to join them at their table.
We exchanged greetings, and from his thick accent, I could
tell that he was from a Slavic country.
He asked me why I was there, and I told him honestly. During my time
there I found it best to lay my cards out on the table so that they knew my purpose, and could chose to engage with me about it or not. I already knew why they were there.
Alexander decided to engage with me. He told me that what I was doing was
pointless, and that “you can take the girl out of the bar, but you can’t take
the bar out of the girl”. He said
that many men come to Thailand and try to help these girls also, and it never
works because they always go back to the bars. I told him that actually I had seen very few men trying to
help the girls (there are only 4 men on my squad), and most of the men I saw were
just trying to have sex with the girls.
They are there for something that they can get FROM the girls, not to
serve them.
So Alexander started to tell me his story.
He grew up with what sounds like a very misogynistic father-
one who had been married several times and had had many affairs, and had taught
young Alexander that the only purpose that women fulfill is “something to get
off on”. He didn’t see much of his
father as a boy because he had moved on from his mother, but he obviously still
had a strong influence on his life.
This is why, five years ago when his father said that he was moving to
Pattaya, Thailand, the then 23 year old Alexander decided to move there as
well. He was excited about it
because he had never really gotten to know his father, and also, he had never
had a girlfriend, was still a virgin, and was looking forward to the sexual
opportunities that Thailand had to offer.
Alexander moved to Pattaya and enjoyed his time there, and
the Thai women for about a year before meeting a bar girl who he thought he
could have a relationship with.
They ended up spending the next 4 years together, with him supporting
them both as well as the girl’s mother, as is the Thai custom.
After telling me all of that, Alexander looked up at me and
said, “But about two months ago, I woke up and realized… what I was doing was
wrong. It was borderline
immoral!” I just smiled at him.
So he and a friend of his decided to take a road trip for a
couple of weeks all around Thailand.
When they got to Chiang Mai, he felt peaceful and decided that he should
move there. That that place “would
save him”. When I met him, he had
been living in Chiang Mai for about one and a half months. He decided that he was a good looking
young man with a good job, and he shouldn’t have to pay for sex. I told him that I agreed, and that he was
selling himself short. At the end of the night, he told me that what we had just had was the longest conversation he had ever had with a Western woman other than his mother.
And it was the strangest thing- I really felt compassion for
Alexander. I loved him. I loved him for being honest enough to
reassess his life, to leave what was comfortable and what he had been taught,
and to look for truth and meaning.
He gave me his phone number, and in the coming weeks I called him when I was going to head
out to the bars at night. Usually
he didn’t come out because he works for an American company, and he had to be
working during American business hours, which was Thailand’s night. But sometimes he did. We played pool, laughed, and talked
about love and life. He told me that he hoped to find something like what my husband and I have together someday. I told him about the café I worked at during the day, and
invited him to come and hang out sometime. I thought it would be a good opportunity to have a deeper
conversation when there wasn’t so much loud music, seductive women, and
beer.
But then I ended up getting stupid Dengue Fever and was very
sick on and off for about 2 weeks.
On one of my sick days when I was at the hostel, a team-mate came home
and told me that Alexander had come into the cafe’ that day looking for me! He had stayed for a few hours, and they
had discussed religion and Jesus.
I. Was. Crushed.
I had so badly wanted to hear his heart on that issue, but I
hadn’t wanted to push or pry, and then out of the blue he came into the cafe’ and wanted to discuss his views.
It is kind of embarrassing, but since I tell you guys everything, I will
tell you this: I burst into tears.
I was pretty much inconsolable – up until Katie gave me a giant hug and
asked if the irony of the situation had hit me yet.
“What irony?”, I asked.
“Well, a few weeks ago, you hated everything about the
johns. You had no love in your
heart for them, and had big plans for how you were going to ignore them and not
minister to them at all. Now you
are crying because you missed an afternoon with one, ” she replied.
I just started laughing and laughing. Touche’, Katie Benson. I didn’t realize my heart changing at
the time, but looking back, I suppose that I didn’t stand a chance. As much as I hate what these men are
doing, after spending a month with them, I have a compassion for them and a
concern for them which must be Spirit led… it is certainly not Erika led. I am thankful for the change of heart because I think it will enable me to approach this problem more holistically, and with love rather than with anger. Jesus is pretty cool.
* Name was changed
