For the first two weeks in Kolkata, I absolutely refused to
acknowledge that there was anything negative about the place. I loved everything about it, and no one
could convince me otherwise. That
all came crashing down during my second weekend there.
Perhaps the reason I had loved the city so much was because
I was so insulated from it.
Really, the only interaction that I had with anyone other than my team
or the awesome people we were working with during our ministry was during my
commute. Granted, the commute was
stressful and time consuming, but after a few days, we had it figured out and
were no longer shocked by every thing I saw.
The time that I had a LOT of interaction with the locals was
on weekends. Everyone knew my name
because my team was some of the only white people there, so we stood out- even
though I was wearing my sari. This
particular Saturday, I was with a few teammates out in the market trying to buy
a gift for my friend Dharma in Maryland.
Many of the beggars in Kolkata are very crafty. The women run this particular scam
where they are holding out an empty baby bottle and asking you to go buy
formula for their starving child (sometimes they are also carrying a baby,
sometimes not). This is very
common in the Sutter Street area (which is very “touristy” because of its
proximity to Mother House, Mother Theresa’s facility where many people from
around the world make a pilgrimage.)
It really pulls on your heartstrings- even when you are living on $2/day;
you want to give it all if it means a baby will get to eat. The problem is that many of these women
don’t even have babies, and what they do is have you purchase the formula from
a particular store of their choice. They have an arrangement with the shop owner where you will
be charged a much higher price for the formula, and then as soon as you leave,
they will return it to the shop and get the refund- so they are doing it just
as a creative way to get cash.
This is apparently a well enough known scam that you are warned both in
the Lonely Planet travel guidebooks and the Mother House welcome briefing.
So, during this day in the markets, a woman came to me with
the empty bottle and asked for me to help her feed her baby. I said, “No, I’m sorry. Not today.” She kept trying to get me to commit to a time when I would
help her if I were not going to help on that day. I didn’t want to be mean to her, but I also wasn’t going to
go along with her scam, so I kept saying, “No, I’m sorry”. She finally left and went to my teammate
Katie who was about 10 feet away.
Katie called out to me, “Hey- I need just a second. I’m going to buy some formula for this
lady and then we can go”. I called
her over and told her what was going on, and then she told the lady that she
wouldn’t buy the formula for her.
Even as I write this, I know that some of you must think
that I sound like an awful person.
Who wouldn’t want to help this woman? Maybe she was the exception and maybe there really was a
baby this time? Believe me, I
know. Probably one of the hardest
struggles for my whole team during our month in India was how to respond to the
overwhelming poverty that we saw.
We were told both by our contact and by Mother House that we were only
contributing to the problem if we encouraged the beggars by giving them
money. It was hard… so hard,
especially as missionaries who love people and came to serve to say ‘no’ to
someone in need. I still haven’t
worked this out fully in my heart and mind, but when you are in a country for
only 1 month, I don’t know how much sense you can truly make of it. Okay, back to my story.
So when the women realized that I had told Katie what was
going on, she came over to me, punched me in the stomach, and put what sounded
like some kind of Hindu curse on me.
She cursed me, my family, and any children that we would have. She called me a “stupid girl”, and said
that I was a “very bad woman”.
One of the things that the Lord is working out in me on this
journey is to not put equal weight into every comment that I hear about
myself. If someone I barely know
says something not very nice about me, I take it totally to heart. Why? I know it is totally illogical, but that is how I roll. I think that maybe they have really
‘figured me out’ and really know me.
I am always surprised when someone meets me and likes me. I am still surprised that my team knows
me as well as they do-having walked through life and lived in community with me
these past 4 months and they love me so much. Blows my mind.
We headed back
to the hostel after that, and my heart was heavy. Was what she said true? Did I become some kind of heartless monster? What would it have really hurt if I
just gave her all of my rupees?
How can I say that I have come to love these people if I am not willing
to give them everything that I have?
To be honest, I am still wrestling through that, and it was over a month
ago.
I did not have restful sleep that night. I know that satan has power in this
world, and all I could think was, “What if Jaimie and I get pregnant, and then
have a miscarriage?” I knew that I
would always bring it back to that day that I didn’t help the poor woman in
Kolkata, and I would blame myself even more than I’m sure I already will be.
The next day, we were supposed to go to church with our
contact, and then they were going to show us kind of a ‘behind the scenes tour’
of Kolkata. I had been so excited
about it. But I lied to my team
and told them I was having stomach issues (totally believable in India) and
needed to stay back. So they all
went on, and I had the room to myself- to beat myself up about being the worst
missionary to ever live, being a heartless monster, and my bad decisions
causing potential problems for my future children and current family. I cried for 8 hours straight. I just allowed myself to slip deeper
and deeper into darkness, and it was a scary place that I wound up in. Then I knew that I needed to
leave. I got on expedia.com and
started pricing one-way plane tickets back to Boston. I just wanted to be with my family, and I knew that
everything that my friends and family had spoken over me before the trip- about
how I was strong and courageous and was going to go fight injustice and save the
world… it was all untrue. And I
was a huge disappointment. So I
e-mailed the hubbs in Afghanistan and asked him if I could drain our savings
account to buy a ticket home. I
was going to leave either that Monday or Tuesday in total defeat. And I was completely fine with
that.
I felt like I had gone on the World Race, and found out who
I really was- and it wasn’t good.
When I left home and joined the military when I was barely 18, it was
not under good terms- but I felt so much redemption when I went up to Boston
for the month after Jaimie left and before leaving on the World Race because
both of my sisters made such a big deal out of me being there. They planned all kinds of fun sister
dates for us to go on, and there have been few times in my life when I have
felt so very loved. They poured
into me, and that is why I was able to go on this trip and pour into other
people in the first place. So, at
28 years old, all I wanted was to run home to my family.
Sooo… when I spoke with Jaimie, he said “no” to me flying
home. He said that he didn’t care
about the money, but he knew that I would never forgive myself if I left, and I
needed to lean on my team and let them help me rather than running away. I love that I am married to a man who
loves me too much to let me be any less than God’s best for me. This was not my opinion at the time,
however.
So by Monday morning, I was a freaking mess. I had been crying all day on Sunday,
didn’t sleep much again on Sunday night, and by Monday morning I was just
completely done. Kristen asked us
all how we were doing and how our weekend was… and I lost my crap. I was trying to explain it to them, and
they all got super pissed. They
could see that there was a lot of spiritual attack going on, and they started praying
for me, and telling me specifically which things that I was believing that were
lies. And then something really
crazy happened- the darkness started lifting off of me.
After that, I stayed back from ministry for a couple of
hours to pray and rest. And I am
so thankful that I was in a much better place emotionally and spiritually
because of what came next.
On my way to the metro, in addition to the standard
onslaught, I also got my butt grabbed by some creepy Indian man. I had been warned that this was a
possibility, and I often wore Indian clothing to try to avoid that, but on this
particular day, I was in sweat pants and a t-shirt since we were doing
construction at the ministry site.
I got very angry, especially since it was a completely inappropriate
sexual overture- directed at me, a missionary, who is there to do construction
work in a facility for women who are coming out of a life where they have been
sexually exploited by these same Indian men.
That same day, on the way home Cameron, Kylie and I stopped
at our favorite street food vender for dinner. While we were sitting on a bench waiting for the food to be
cooked, we felt water drops and thought it had started raining. But when we looked up, we realized that
there were 4 young men standing on the balcony a few stories up… hocking lugies
onto us. We gave them a dirty look
and thought they were finished, but a few minutes later, they started spitting
on us again.
Two days later, I was really bothered by how itchy my head
was. Several of the girls on my
team and the team we joined with ended up having lice back in Thailand, but
when they checked my head, I was free and clear. “Just in case” I had Kristen check my head to see if I was
still lice free. I wasn’t. So I slept with mayonnaise and a shower
cap on my head- and yes, that was every bit as disgusting as you would
think. And Kristen spent 3.5 hours
the next day picking nits out of my hair.
Yet I love India.
All I can figure is that it must be the Lord working in my
heart. One of the biggest lessons
that I learned during my month in India is how to love the “unlovable”, how to
love people it is difficult to love.
I am definitely not perfect at this yet, but I felt my heart changing
and stretching the whole month I was there. And even now,
when I have been back in the states for almost a month, when I think back on my
month in India, it is with tender love and affection.
43-47“You’re familiar with
the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate
your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let
them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard
time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your
true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his
best-the sun to warm and the rain to nourish-to everyone, regardless: the good
and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a
bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do
you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
48“In
a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it.
Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward
others, the way God lives toward you.”
Matthew 5:43-48
