Things are dark here in Cambodia.
I picked up my cross and followed hard after Christ. I left everything- thinking that this was the way, thinking that this was my calling. And I still believe that God called me here- but now I find myself shaking my fist at Him and asking, “Why”?
I feel pretty useless here. The part of ministry that I am working with (organizing a storage room in the morning and kind of sort of teaching English to a group of children ages 7-13… all at very different levels but all in the same room for 1 hour in the afternoon) is so far removed from the actual mission (as I understand it to be).
I know that this is a time when I am supposed to draw near to the Lord. I understand that He is there and that He loves me, but He feels so distant.
I know that this is a time when I will learn to turn first to Him, and THEN to my husband, rather than using my husband as a crutch for me to not have to really work through things with God. But truly, I don’t know how. I turn to God, but nothing changes. The situation still sucks, and I am still pretty miserable.
Apparently everyone else knows that when you leave your life to be a missionary, you aren’t just helping whomever you went to help, but you yourself are changed and helped, also. That all sounds really nice… kind of sweet. Until you find your world turned upside down. Until you find yourself absolutely wrecked.
I thought that the big challenges were over. I am out of the Navy, after all. God certainly moved mountains to get me here. But why? Seriously… why? I thought that now that I am free, I could freely serve and it would be awesome. And why HERE? If I had stayed in the states, I had an AWESOME opportunity to work at this fantastic Christian recovery program in North Carolina called Hope House. Emily, the founder was actually going to let ME lead Bible studies with the residents and home school them. She saw something in me to trust me in such a capacity… and it really ministered to my heart. But in Cambodia… I work in a storage room. So God… why am I HERE?
I wanted to wait to write a blog until I had something really great and encouraging to say- until I could minister to anyone who actually reads this thing with the great work that is being done here to fight trafficking. But I am honestly not seeing it right now, and I am beyond discouraged. I don’t see God moving, and I am wondering where the heck He is and why He is letting me sit here in my brokenness and emptiness… homesick… worried about my husband off at war. Sick… possibly with Malaria (I am having blood work done in the morning). Sure that everyone thinks I am a huge screw up- because that is definitely how I feel. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you ever feel this way? Like even though you know that you are right where God wants you- you feel like you are at the wrong place at the wrong time?
