“For You, O God, have tested us; You
have refined us as silver is refined.” (Psalm 66:10)
This past month was a very challenging
one for me. I can feel God purging things out of me that I didn’t
realize were there. I know that everything He does is out of love,
and to make me a better person in the long run. Nevertheless, this
can be a very painful process!
I guess you can say that I’m a little
rough around the edges. Because of some of the things I’ve been
through, I have thicker skin than many people. And sometimes I
forget that not everyone’s skin is so thick. I tend to call things
out the way I see them. Back home, my friends and family know this
about me and are not easily offended. They know that the words I say
are usually from a pure heart. And they also know I would walk
through fire for any one of them.
But on the world race, it’s a different
story. My teammates don’t know me as well as the people back home.
Because I’m not very good at sugar coating things, I can be a bit
blunt (I know my family is chuckling as they read this).
“Aggressive” and even “hostile” are two of the words my
teammates have used to describe some of the things I’ve said. Yikes!
I don’t want to come off as those things! So how do I find the
balance between standing up for what I believe in, but not hurting
peoples’ feelings?
One of my teammates recently wrote me a
note saying, “I mean it when I say that you are a very strong
woman. You have overcome a lot in your life because of your refusal
to accept things that are not right. I appreciate your boldness and
courage as well as your caring and loving nature.”
One of our squad leaders recently wrote
me an email saying, “More than anything, I appreciate how you are
yourself. There doesn’t seem to be much of any facade when it comes
to you. When you think something, you seem to express it. When you
want to do something, you make sure it happens.”
So if it’s a good thing that I’m not
afraid to speak my mind and call things out, why can’t I do it
without hurting peoples’ feelings? How do I keep the part of my
personality that stands up for what I believe in, but still walk in
the fruits of the Spirit?
This month, I guess I hit a breaking
point. I wanted to change the things about my personality that did
not bring glory to God, but I went about it all wrong. I didn’t want
to hurt anyone else’s feelings so, rather than say what was on my
mind, I kept quiet. But in trying so hard to bite my tongue and keep
my “constructive feedback” to myself, I actually began to harbor
bitterness. We all know what bitterness does to our souls. Not only
is it poisonous to our bodies both spiritually and physically, but it
is toxic to the people around us as well. I felt myself starting to
get easily annoyed with my teammates. I even started to get
frustrated with some of my loved ones back home who I miss dearly.
When we harbor bitterness, we become enslaved to it.
Romans 6:16 says, “Do you not know
that to whom you present yourselves slaves, you are that one’s slave
who you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience
leading to righteousness?”
Ephesians 4:27 says, “Do not give
place to the devil.”
I made a selfish, prideful decision to
keep silent rather than offend any more of my teammates. The reason
this decision is so selfish, is that I am part of a team. When we
signed up for the world race, all of us did so with the hopes of
becoming better people at the end of all of this. But I can’t grow
as a person if my teammates don’t point out the things I need to work
on. And the same applies to me. If I don’t challenge my teammates
and bring things to the table, then I am stifling their growth.
We’re a team, and bringing things to the table is something we all
agreed to at the beginning of the world race 7 months ago. Keeping
silent isn’t the answer. It was just an easier alternative than
trying to learn how to approach people with more grace and
understanding. Like I said, it was a very selfish decision.
Realizing that I was starting to harbor
bitterness towards my teammates, I asked God to help me find a
balance between speaking my mind, but not offending people so easily.
Then I received an email from someone on our squad who had received
a word for me, without having any idea what I was going through.
Here’s what God had to say to me:
“The challenges in your life are
building such character and beauty within you. They’re cleaning out
the dark and dusty places within you to bring you even more light and
love. It’s a process of love carried out by the Father. It’s not
ridding you of the bad parts of you but giving you more of the
fullness of the Father. He’s widening your capacity for it. He
wants to make you into the prized person He sees. Through this, you
will have even more to give others. He’s calling you to give –
give more and give continually. Listen carefully to what He’s asking
you to give and how. There’s INCREDIBLE blessing in His timing. He
has some huge divine appointments for you!”
This was EXACTLY the word of
encouragement I needed! Thank you Father that you know my heart
better than anyone in the world! You always know what I am going
through, and You always know just what to say to make it better.
God is bringing those things in me that
He did not put there into the light to expose them. Once exposed,
they are easily conquered. But as long as they remain in darkness,
they are safely hidden. While it may be painful to have some of
these things exposed to light, it is an act of love by my Father in
Heaven. And just like He said, He is not ridding me of any “bad
parts,” only making room for more of His fullness. He is not
asking me to keep silent. But He is asking me to give more of myself
over to Him to be refined.
