“I don’t feel like it.”
Does that phrase seems familiar?
It sure does to me!
After being on this journey for almost three years, I’ve faced more moments than I can count where I had to do the very thing I felt like doing the least.
72 hour trains, 50+ hour buses, the 8th plate of food in someones home, having to eat fermented pickled mango, using the restroom in a field while people watch because there’s no toilet in the entire village, fighting the spiritual atmosphere when I’m totally exhausted, staying up late to talk to someone who needs a friend, walking the extra mile (literally) with a stranger when I’m in a hurry, being vulnerable with things I’ve never said out loud before, stepping out in transparency and intimacy, being bold for the Gospel when it was the last thing I wanted to do….. you get the point.
I’ve had to die to myself countless times during this journey and push through the things I didn’t “feel” like doing. I’ve experienced growth and intimacy with others and the Father like never before through these times of challenge and laying myself down.
I’m in yet another season of dying to myself, but this season of “I don’t feel like it” has been the most challenging so far.
The thing “I feel like doing” the least is pursuing the Father.
It feels terrible to say that out loud and realize how selfish my flesh still is! But another thing that I’ve learned is that if I’m not open and honest with my brokeness, I won’t be able to receive the healing I need. I’ll remain broken and I’ll have to face it again one day as the Father invites me to heal again.
So here’s the brokeness I’m currently in:
For the first time in a long time, I don’t have the “butterflies” or that “honeymoon” desire to chase Him.
My heart seems to have stopped overflowing with the thankfulness that has kept me going.
Even in worship, where I connect and feel Him the most, I feel like my words are empty, unauthentic, and not worth singing.
His Voice is still there, but I can’t hear His Love in the same way right now.
And well, there’s two ways I could approach this season. I could give in to what I’m feeling and let it affect me, or I can push into the brokness and let the Truth have sovereignty over my feelings.
The Truth is this:
If I let my feelings dictate my actions, I’m saying that my feelings are the greatest truth in my life. I become a victim to my feelings and let them dictate how I am and who I am.
If I let the Truth reign sovereign, I still get to Love as if I feel like it. I actually get to show a greater Love. A Love that will change and transform myself instead of bowing my knee to a lesser truth.
Now don’t get me wrong. We need our feelings and emotions. The most beautiful moments I’ve had with the Father wouldn’t have been complete without emotion. But what I’ve seen in myself and those around me is that we’ve let feelings take the wheel of our lives without the accountability of long-suffering, dying to self, and taking up our cross.
In this season I’ve realized that in the past, I have adopted the first example of a victim mentality towards God. When He isn’t giving me what “I feel that I need”, I shut down and start to use phrases like “He seems so distant” or “I’m just not hearing Him”. But in reality it’s not Him or His Love that ever changed, it’s my ability to follow Him over what I “feel” like doing.
When is the last time that I truthfully gave God something without expecting anything in return?
What if I could live for what I could give God?
What if that was enough?
If giving without expecting anything in return is the ultimate goal for earthly relationships, why can’t it be for the deepest, most intimate relationship we can have for eternity?!
When I boil this Love down to relational terms, I all of the sudden realize that He doesn’t ever give us anything because “that’s how it works” or “a+b=c”. I now know that I receive from Him because He WANTS to bestow everything to His sons and daughters. He is the ultimate Partner, Friend, Lover. He gives ALL of Himself no matter what I give in return, and He always has.
What does change is: One, my capability to receive His Love. And two, my ability to expect nothing in return when I lay myself down.
We experience and feel more of Him by simply learning to receive more of Him. We cultivate Love and Intimacy by learning to give Him everything without expecting a return.
I’ve been in a long season of learning and experiencing how to receive, a season filled with deeper feeling and emotion than I’ve ever experienced before. Now I’m entering a season where I’m cultivating deeper ways to give. From feeling and experiencing to a new invitation to Intimacy and Long-suffering Love.
What a Gift!
I believe that the Father has shown me that we have to first learn to receive Him in deeper levels before were ready to Sacrificially Love Him at deeper levels.
How can we give something that we first haven’t learned to receive?
I’m just ready to display a Greater Love for Him! This season is not a punishment or attack, but a Gift and an Invitation to deeper relationship with Him. A Love that’s not victim to how I feel, a Love beyond what’s convenient, a Love that nothing can stop.
I firmly believe that God longs for His people to Love Him with the depth, furiousity, sacrificial, unstoppable Love that He has eternally shown to us. Paul’s words in Romans 8:38-39 have always hit me hard. To try and understand this kind of Love is baffling. But the more I receive and know it, the more I’m equipped to let it pour out of me.
I felt led to rewrite these words as a prayer back to the Father.
“For I have been so transformed, overwhelmed, and changed by Your Love for me, that no fear of death or pleasure of life, no invitation of angels or attack of demons, no current or future circumstance, no power in spirit or on Earth, no reaches of the universe or depths of the Earth, not even the greatest things in all creation will be able to stop the Love that you’ve shown me from returning in union to You, Jesus Christ my King!”
I’m taking authority over how I feel in this season. I will not let my feelings dictate how much I give Him! He is worthy of so much more than what I feel like giving. I will give Him everything, always.
Prayer Requests and Needs:
Steadfastness and Persistence for this season.
Wisdom for all the squad transition coming soon.
I’m still needing to fundraise $2,500 for this season in the field. Please consider donating and getting added to my supporter-only updates!
I also need to personally fundraise for two flights I need to purchase. Please contact me if you’re interested in helping me out!
Thank you all for continuing to follow and support me through all these seasons with the race. I feel your prayers all the time and you are sharing in all the fruit of what the Father is doing in and through me!
