at first it wasn't easy i pushed and she backed away
but i countinued to love her the best i knew how
and slowly the walls started to fall
we laughed together
we sang together
we danced together
we tickled each other
we cuddled
we took pictures together
and on occasion we would talk, really talk.
and the more she talked to me about her life
the more my heart completely begin to shatter
(love that pretty girl)
Mary has no desire to live. She has resulted to cutting her wrist at school and saying she would rather be dead…jokes about dying are brought up more than talks about life..
how is it that a beautiful girl like her would want to end something that is so precious?
at that age she doesnt realize how petty the problems truly are
she doesnt know that she is worthy
she doesnt feel like she is loved
she doesnt hear encouragement
she doesnt accept compliments
she is hesitatant to be herself
to laugh
to smile
to joke
but i saw a side of mary that needed to be seen..
light shined into her life this month
it was Daddy's light!
(fishy face)
i prayed that she would feel how much i loved her
feel how much Daddy loved her
that when i held her in my arms
she would feel his big arms wrapped around her and for the first time she would feel safe
how could no one love her? how could her parents not want her?
there is a reason for her to feel completely neglected
for her to question why she was alive
to want to end everything
to get away from her current situation
to run away from where she lives
to get rid of who she has become over the past 14 years
but i wanted her to know there is HOPE
she doesnt have to live this way forever
she CAN be anybody & do anything she wants when she grows up
her life is a huge picture waiting to be painted
and that if she was persistent and stayed strong she would survive
("Sister! carry me Sister!")
that's one thing mary is..she is so strong!
she runs away from emotion to look tough, like she has it all together
but with the walls coming down slowly the tears come down faster
we had our nightly rountines of tickle fights, singing "call me maybe", and cuddling for a little while
the night before we left she was mad at me for leaving
she wouldn't come to me, wouldn't look me in the eye, wouldn't tell me goodnight or that she loved me…
finally i got her to come in sit in my lap..and she began to cry
quietly of course so people around wouldn't know
but as her soft tears hit my shirt,
i prayed that she would feel Daddy's comfort and peace crash over her..
i prayed that she would feel Daddy's comfort and peace crash over her..
she didnt understand why we were leaving..why i was leaving..why this new "hope" was leaving
and i just whispered in her ear over and over "i love you mary, i really do"
she would nod and say "ok sister" but i just repeated it over and over and over
(she hates taking pictures)
the next morning we got up early with the girls so that we could say goodbye before they went to school…we were outside having our crying/hugging/laughing goodbye circle..
and mary completely skipped me
and mary completely skipped me
i wasnt going to leave and her think i was just another person leaving, another person that doesn't want her, another person that doesn't love her, i wasnt going to be another person that disappointed her..
i followed her into the house..she was standing at the mirror "fixing her hair"..and i just grabbed her..the tears began to flow..this time she wasn't the only one..and all i could say was "i love you mary, i really do"
i have never hugged anyone as tight as i hugged this sweet, fragile, beautiful daugther of God..
i wanted her to remember what it felt like
to remember the way my arms felt around her
for her to remember the times i held her
carried her around the house
or layed beside her
i wanted her to feel it and her to know that it was because i loved and cared for her,
i want the best for her, and for her to know she is so important to me!
i want the best for her, and for her to know she is so important to me!
she finally pushed me away and walked off..didnt say a word
(silly faces)
thats when i lost it
my heart broke into a million pieces..because i felt helpless..i felt like a mother watching her child go to 5k for the first time..
the feeling that i may never see her again &&
knowing that she automatically thinks i'm going to forget about her..
knowing that she automatically thinks i'm going to forget about her..
what was i supposed to do??
i had done everything i could..
i started to pray
i started to pray
"Daddy, you have to take this little girl from me, keep her safe..hold her close to you father..let her never forget that SOMEONE loves her..that she is worthy & deserves more than moon & the stars…Lord, take this pain, bring me peace so that i know she will be ok."
Amen
Amen
i dried my tears and stood at the door..we made eye contact a couple of times but i watched her walk away..i knew then and there that she was going to be ok!
(my sweet pea)
theres something about mary
her smile
her laughter
her joy
her new found hope
her beauty
her love
her heart
i have been completely touched by this little girl
she has left a fingerprint on my heart
i will never forget the way she made me feel
the smile she brings to my face
and all the sweet moments i got to spend with her
i hope one day i get to see that beautiful smiling face again
because she made me feel something that i have yet to feel on this race
true love<3
true love<3
