I've been meaning to write this blog for weeks now. The feelings I had when I first wanted to write it aren't nearly as strong now, but they're still there. Right under the surface, and I really wanted to share them.
I'm excited for The Race. I am. But my excitement is starting to get lost. Lost in the anxiety, and the stress, and the fear.
It's not that I think that this isn't what God wants me to do. That's not it at all. There are just so many things that need to be done. So much money that needs to be raised. So many goodbyes that are going to have to be said. I'm just not ready.
I'm a procrastinator by nature, and I just feel like I'm running out of time faster than I can even comprehend. I have so many fundraising ideas that aren't coming together because I'm not taking the time to plan them. I was going to do something this month…but now the month is almost over.
I haven't sent out my support letters yet. It's hanging over my head and the time just keeps passing, but I keep putting it off.
I can't do this on my own. I feel like I'm drowning in all the stuff that needs to be done.
It's time to give up. Give up control. I can't control this. I've said from the beginning, "I can't raise 15,500, but God can." Where did that attitude go?
Remember when I gave up that interview at the zoo in Texas in order to focus on applying for The World Race? So do I. I hadn't even applied for The Race yet. I had no idea if I was actually going to end up going or not. And yet here I am.
God has put me in this position for a reason. And I need to learn to give up control to Him. I know his plans are better than mine.
Its time for a change.
Father, I know you hear me. Help me change for you. I was never meant to have control of my life. Help me to give it all up to you. To ACTUALLY give it all up to you. It's not an easy thing. It's easy to say, but not easy to do. Take these burdens, Lord. Physically take them. Help to ease this weight on my shoulders. Help me to really trust you Father, because I know you care for me. I am so incredibly small in this universe, but You have chosen me. You've chosen me to go out on this journey. You've chosen me. Father you know my biggest fears. The fears of not raising the money and the fears of leaving my loved ones behind, but I ask you to take those too. For, You have not given me a spirit of fear, and I know that you will be with me every step of the way until the day you bring me home again. Not only to my American home, but to my home with You. Help me keep my eyes on you, Lord, because You are the way, the truth, and the life. And you are so incredibly good. I need to let go of my control, but I know I can't without you. Give me the strength and peace to let go. I love you.
