I remember it like it was yesterday. It was October 30, 2011, somewhere around 6am. We'd been up all night. He had just left. It was over.
My friends were upstairs. they'd been up all night too. I felt so bad that they had to be a part of this. I tried to go back up to them. But I couldn't. I collapsed. Right there on the stairs. Sobbing. With my world crashing down around me.
We were together for 4 years and 4 months (to the day). Honestly, I think this is the first time I actually figured that out. He was my best friend. We did everything together. I saw him almost every day and we talked constantly. He was always there for me. He knew me inside and out. We weren't engaged, but we talked about getting married all the time. We were made for each other…or so I thought.
Somewhere along the line, something went wrong.
The longest 2 weeks of my life took place between the day he told me he was unhappy and the day he actually ended it. I spent those 2 weeks trying to figure out what I could do to make it better. I always had faith that we could make it through anything. Even this. I never gave up hope, but it just wasn't what God wanted.
I had a choice to make.
Option 1: to sink into a deep depression and turn away from God, wondering, "How could He let this happen?"
Option 2: to latch onto God like a leech and know that it was His will, and His will is perfect.
Thankfully, I chose option 2.
It definitely wasn't the easiest option. And I still struggled a lot. I did go through a depression (who wouldn't?), but I didn't let it consume me. I didn't stay in bed for days (but there were some days where I stayed in bed). I took it one day at a time. And some days were better than others.
"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest…I curled inward hugging my ribs to hold myself together." –Bella Swan, New Moon
I hate to bring out the Twilight quotes…but I felt that same kind of hole. And I can remember physically trying to hold it together sometimes. I thought about Bella a lot, at first.
I remember really struggling sometimes with giving in to the pain. The enemy knew I was vulnerable and he put a lot of things in my way that caused me to stumble. I was good at stumbling.
"Better not to give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." -Finnick Odair, Mockingjay
Reading The Hunger Games series, got me through a lot. It was my distraction a lot of the time.
Then I remember when I posted this on Tumblr:
"Earlier today I was crying my eyes out. Just now I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. And it wasn’t a forced smile. I was just smiling at myself and it felt amazing and I couldn’t stop. I don’t even know how to describe what I feel right now. All I know is that I had to force myself away from my bathroom mirror because I wanted to share my experience. And the best part is…I’M STILL SMILING!
That’s what Christ does for me!
Stay Joyful, everyone!
God Bless! 😀"
That was a turning point. A huge one. It was the biggest I'd smiled in months, and I remember wishing that someone had been there with me to see it.
So anyway…this blog has turned into a lot of rambling, but I hope you're still with me because it's time for me to get to the point. I knew I couldn't put off posting this much longer, because I knew I wanted to post it during the Christmas season.
Last Christmas was hard. It was really hard. The wound was still fresh, and it didn't help that he was moving on already. It had only been 2 months.
I can remember that gaping hole in my chest.
I remember kneeling on the floor at work, folding clothes, and trying to hide the fact that I was crying.
I didn't want to listen to Christmas music.
I wanted to skip Christmas completely.
But it came, and it went, and it ended up not being so bad. I spent the day with the people who mean the most to me. And it was a good Christmas, even though I was still hurting.
Last Christmas was the day I fell in love with Mumford and Sons.
"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And Love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with Grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."
I really REALLY hope you're still with me, because here's the significance of all this…
This year. This Christmas.
I don't want to skip it.
I listen to Christmas music constantly.
I want to praise the Lord every day for sending His Son.
Most of all…I'm thankful. Thankful for ALL that the Lord has done for me this past year.
He's given me a wonderful gift…the gift of HEALING!
Healing is a funny thing, because I don't think we realize it's happening until we look back. I look back at last Christmas and I can see all the healing the Lord has done in me.
I'm not 100% healed. I'd be lying if I said I was. But I'm alive! Praise Jesus, I'm alive!
God turned my world upside down, but I know it was all for the best.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I'm also happy to say that I finally know why. I know why He let things happen the way they did. If we were still together, I would have never even considered going on a mission trip, let alone be going on The World Race.
God had to break my heart, so that I would get close to him — so that I would hear his calling. So I would see his healing powers. He is so incredibly good.
"And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there"
–Relient K
