…Right out of my comfort zone.
Actually…It was more of a push and a shove.
I led the morning prayer in church this past Sunday.
Last Wednesday at Bible study, my pastor asked me if I would, and of course my gut reaction was "NO!", but I didn't quite say it that way. I just kind of made an uncomfortable face and didn't say anything. He told me to pray about it, but I only had like 10 minutes to decide.
Great.
I knew I didn't want to, but I felt that push from God telling me that it was what I needed to do.
So, I agreed.
Now, for those who don't know me, you should know that I don't like public speaking. (Who really does?) Even more so, I don't like to pray out loud. I'm never the person that volunteers to pray. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm very good at praying on my own. And I hardly pray outloud, even when I'm by myself. I just can never seem to find the right words. I think I put too much thought into prayer. I've just never felt like I was really "good at it".
A lot of the time I bank on Romans 8:26, which says:
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know aht we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Usually, when I'm alone, I just sit quietly and let my heart pour out to God, and eventually some words start forming, either in my head or from my mouth.
This wasn't the case on Sunday. I knew I had to get up there and pray out loud. There wouldn't be time for me to just stand up there and say nothing.
I was nervous, to say the least, but I had a plan. I was going to go up there and say a prayer something like this:
"Dear Lord, thank you for this day and for bringing us all here together. [Insert something about the weather here]. I ask that you bless us all today and bless the pastor as he preaches the message and that we all are able to focus clearly on it…blah blah blah Amen."
I didn't expect it to be the best prayer in the world, but I was going to get it over with, because I had said that I would.
Then, on Sunday morning, the Pastor pulled me aside and told me there were two specific things he wanted me to pray about. (one of them being the shooting in Connecticut)
Um…what?
That wasn't part of the plan. I thought about saying something about Connecticut, but I wasn't sure when or how I would do it. I was, most likely, just going to leave it out and let someone else pray for it later (because I was sure it would come up eventually).
Cue: panic attack.
Talk about throwing me a curveball. Now, not only did I have to get up and pray in front of the entire church, but I had to pray about a major tragedy and a member of the church, who is well known, but I don't know him that well personally.
I could not. stop. crying. It was ridiculous and I felt like such a fool for it, but I just couldn't stop.
Thank God for my best friend. She understands my anxiety like no one else. Even though she did initially yell "Hey, why you cryin?" across the vestibule (haha) she was there for me and took me into the bathroom to pray with me once the crowd died down.
Yes, I had drawn a crowd. Not a huge crowd, I don't think, since my back was to everything, but somewhat of a crowd nonetheless. Including Grandma who, of course, had to add, "you know, the more you cry, the less you pee." That helped cheer me up, at least.
So I had calmed down for the most part, but it was time for service to start. I could feel the anxiety swirling around in my stomach the whole time, and I could hardly even sing, and it got worse the closer it came to prayer time. All I kept thinking was "I do not want to cry up there."
But, cry I did. And I certainly didn't waste any time. I cried from the moment I got up there until after I sat back down again. Not to mention the shaking and wringing my hands the whole time.
It was probably the most anxiety I've ever shown in front of a decent number of people, and it was probably the most genuine I could have been up there. I think I even ended by saying "well I don't know what else to say." I was scared out of my mind, and I was completely vulnerable, and there wasn't a person in that room that didn't see it.
And the funny thing is, even though I was completely embarassed for crying the whole time, people loved it. I had so many people come up to me afterwards telling me how beautiful it was. Some of them, I didn't even know!
It was, truly, a blessing. (Though I wouldn't volunteer to do it again any time soon)
I know this trip isn't going to be comfortable, and this was only a taste. But I just have to remember all the time that God knows what He's doing. He's putting us out of our comfort zones for a reason, and its all to glorify Him!
And above all, He's there with us, always.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matthew 28:20
