So if you’ve been following my blog at all, you’ll know that a little over a year ago, I went through a really rough break-up. If you didn’t know that, and you’re interested, you can go here.
The reason I start off that way is because what I didn’t mention in that blog is that his sister is my very best friend.
If you haven’t figured it out, that means that I wasn’t able to really separate myself from him as much as other people could have. He goes to my church. His friends are my friends.
So when I found out he was with someone else, barely 2 months after our 4 year relationship had ended, I was hurt. I was really hurt. And that hurt turned into anger.
Anger that I held onto for a long time…
I made up my mind time and time again that I was going to give it to God. I knew I couldn’t control it, so why make myself miserable? But I could never completely let it go.
Someone once told me to “fake it ‘til you make it,” so that’s what I was trying to do. He never brought her to church or anything, so I never saw them together. So I was going through life doing my best to ignore the fact that it existed.
“No one wants to invite grief. Usually it comes looking for you. But, push it away, refuse to feel its depths, or keep it where it can’t touch you and you will be stunted emotionally. You will limit your ability to be free in joy when it comes. A refusal to embrace grief is the emotional equivalent of folding your arms across your body and holding yourself more tightly. Your folded arms can’t fly.” -Seth Barnes (Kingdom Journeys: Rediscovering the Lost Spiritual Discipline)
That’s where I was. Standing around with my arms crossed, not allowing myself to grieve properly. Keeping it where it couldn’t touch me.
Then he started bringing her to church. Which is great! Don’t get me wrong. But that meant that the thing I did everything in my power to avoid was suddenly right in front of me. All the time.
And yet, I still stood around with my arms, figuratively, crossed. I did everything I could to keep pretending it was ok.
“What happens when we try to run from brokenness? What happens when we try to stay in a place of dysfunctional comfort? Spiritual progress stops. Everything may appear okay on the outside, but inside we become numb — slowly dying.” -Seth Barnes (Kingdom Journeys)
And that’s when it happened. I reached my breaking point. It was a little over a week ago.
I had become so trapped by this anger and bitterness that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I broke.
And I finally cried out to God,
“Please take this! Take it! I don’t want it anymore! Take it! And don’t let me have it back!”
And I meant it this time. And He knew it. We both did.
And I can’t even begin to describe the peace I’ve felt since then. (And it's only been a week!!)
Still healing. Always healing. But I feel so incredibly free!
“The turning point in our journey through brokenness comes when we stop trying to control the pain and move to a posture of dependence. Breakthrough comes when we turn to God for help.” -Seth Barnes (Kingdom Journeys) (can you tell I like this book?)
I was really nervous about writing this blog. Worried about how people might respond to the truth. But it’s time I stopped lying to myself and the people around me. And what better way to do so, than to show what God has done in me through it? I’m just so grateful for all that He does for me. He makes all things new!
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what is is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Philippians 4:11-14
