All my life, I have asked this question to everyone I’ve encountered. Let’s be real, I am not crazy enough to ACTUALLY say these words out loud, but the question has always been hovering in the back of my mind…”Are you impressed by me?” My tongue has been trained through decades of practice to fish for praise while sounding completely innocent of the same charge; my ears have been carefully tuned to pick up the most subtle of compliments; my countenance has become adept at feigning a surprised and humble appearance upon receiving commendation; my brain has developed into an advanced amplifier of admiration through a constant stream of kudos; and my heart has evolved into a ravenous glutton, craving an ever-increasing supply of recognition from others.
I had a profound revelation earlier this morning…
LIVING THIS WAY IS NOT A GOOD THING!
Before you dismiss this as an obvious statement, please bear with me and let me give you some more context and insight into my life. For over 27 years, I have lived a life that has appeared highly successful from the outside looking in. My résumé of accomplishments is extensive and enviable. I have found a way to experience success in most activities I undertake, and if I encounter anything I am not good at, I do my absolute best to avoid running into similar situations in the future so I can stick to what I am capable of excelling at. I am constantly trying to find new pinnacles to summit, further bullet points to add to my résumé, and additional experiences to conquer and place under my belt.
The answers I give when asked about how I manage to succeed in so many areas of my life end up being contingent upon the audience. If I’m talking to other Christians, I usually resort to some Sunday School answer along the lines of, “I’m just trying to do everything as if I’m working for the Lord.” If I’m talking about it within my military environment, I’ll probably answer with, “Just trying to be excellent in all that I do.”
It’s time for me to come clean.
Those answers are straight BS.
Here is the real answer:
“I am so desperate for affirmation that I will work however hard is needed to earn the approval of everyone so that I can feel like I have some worth and value in this world.”
Let’s go even deeper…underneath that blanket of insecurity in my life rests a mountain of pride. This pride is the internal voice which answers my own question with a resounding, “Heck yeah! You are actually such a freakin impressive person! Look at all you have accomplished, everyone else is right to be amazed by you!” This voice never allows itself to be heard by the world, because the last thing I want is for others to think of me as an arrogant man…but that doesn’t diminish the reality that this voice is still at work inside of me. Its influence is vast, shaping my perspective on everything from worthy award recipients at work (“Of course I’m going to win that!”) to leadership positions on my World Race team (“Clearly I was chosen to be Team Leader because of my amazing leadership gift!”) all the way to the foundation of my relationship with Christ (“He continues to love me because I’m actually pretty awesome!”).
Ah yes, my relationship with God…we have finally arrived at the crux of this whole situation. In case you didn’t catch it in the previous paragraph, there is a HUGE lie this internal voice of pride causes me to believe. Here it is…
THE LIE
God loves me because I am worthy of being loved
According to the Bible, NOTHING could be further from the truth! Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (NIV) There was NOTHING we did to deserve that kind of unconditional love.
Unconditional: Not limited or bound in any way; complete and absolute.
There is also NOTHING we can do that will convince Him to keep loving us or stop loving us. He loves us because He chooses to love us…no matter how broken, messy, and unlovable we may be. Romans 8:35, 38-39 says, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (NIV)
So what now? Back to my predicament…
Despite the fact that I KNOW these things in my mind, they have not completed the extensive transformation to the point where I BELIEVE them in my heart and live like they are actually true. As a result, I have spent my entire life trying as hard as I can to become a person who doesn’t have any flaws…in effect, I have been striving to become someone who doesn’t need Jesus! When I really look at my heart, I realize that I have been seeking to use God as a means to my own end in order to make myself more impressive—to bring myself more glory—rather than laying myself down and acknowledging that I am nothing, I have nothing, and I can do nothing apart from God.
With the significance of this conviction weighing so heavily on my heart, there is something that I now need to do. I need to take a wrecking ball to the façade of perfection I have built over my life throughout the past 27 years and show you what the real Eric Atchison looks like. I need to let you know how un-impressive I really am…how desperately I am in need of a Savior. I need to put to death this idol of admiration from others that I have worshiped for so long, robbing God of the glory that is only due to Him. I need to do this so that God has a clean foundation, free of the destructive rot of pride, upon which to build me into the man HE wants me to be…not the man I think I want to be.
So…without any further ado, here is my REAL résumé, what I look like without Christ:
ERIC ATCHISON
– Deathly afraid of not being liked by everyone, doesn’t speak his real mind in most situations due to this fear
– Exercises false humility in order to receive praise for how humble he is and feed his inner pride
– Tries to be all things to all people, genuinely doesn’t know who his true self really is
– Suffers from a lack of confidence in most things due to the paralyzing fear of what others think of him…but tries to cover it up by talking a big game
– Tries to mask laziness by pointing his finger at any excuses that are convenient or evoke sympathy, like “being a procrastinator” or “going through a lot in my personal life”
– Is profoundly insecure that he will never be loved if people only knew who he truly was deep down
– Thinks he is better/wiser/kinder/smarter/tougher/etc. than everyone else around him
– Tries to control his life, the lives of everyone around him, and the environment around him as well
– Defines his worth and value based on the amount of recognition/accolades he receives from others
– Talks negatively about others behind their backs in order to feel better about himself
– Has been fighting an addiction to pornography for over 15 years, and as a result, often sees women as objects instead of human beings
So there it is, the unedited, unclean, and unimpressive version that very few people (if any) actually know about me…but all these things are true. This list is far from comprehensive, but I hope it communicates even a little of my brokenness in a way that removes praise from myself. Alone, by myself, I am nothing and I have nothing worthy of praise.
There is some good news though. It was not the shiny, polished, put-together façade of Eric that God loved enough to send His Son to earth to die, it was the messed up & disgusting guy described above… THAT is the person He decided was worth dying for! Somehow, His love transcends even the worst, darkest, most shameful corners of our heart. He sees us—all of us—and still chooses to love us with an undying love, no matter how disgusting we may feel!
This is not the end and I am not hopelessly resigning myself to my brokenness. It is the dawning of a new season for me…one of learning how to walk truly humbled, not just in false humility; one of allowing God to meet me in my brokenness and speak His life into it; one where people will only be able to see a great God when they look at my life instead of a great man. I don’t know yet what this will look like, but I do know one thing: This is right where I need to be. So I’m laying down my own vision for my life, I’m laying down my desires, I’m leaning into more of my identity as a son of God, and I’m trusting my good, good Father to build me into the man He has always wanted me to be…this will be quite a wild journey, but oh so worth taking!
Thank you so much for all your prayers, as you can see, they are needed and appreciated!
“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
– Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)
