Disclaimer this blog it’s not for the lighthearted… These past two months on the race I have discovered a lot about myself and my past
For what I have discovered about my life to make sense I have to tell you my story
I was raised in a great Christian household and I’m oldest of four kids. From a very young age I got this idea that I had to be the perfect Christian child to live up to the standards that people had for my family. The summer before my fifth-grade year I excepted Jesus into my life. This decision was not made for myself but more for the people around my family. I had to continue this mask of perfection I had made.
In the fifth grade I lost quite a few of my friends due to rumors and I have this memory of being on the playground and some people coming up to me and telling me that nobody will ever love me and that I should kill myself. Going into the sixth grade I didn’t have very many friends and I quickly found myself depressed. I didn’t want to be depressed though so I told myself I wasn’t. Once again the mask was more important.
In the eighth grade I really started to struggle. There were multiple times were I considered cutting. It never got to that point thankfully. There was one point that year where I was suicidal. And there was one night where I was very close to killing myself and that night was the first night that Jesus ever spoke to me, but I didn’t realize it was him till later in life.
In high school I struggled with suicidal thoughts until my junior year. It all changed that summer on wilderness. The final night I had a pretty deep conversation with God and he told me that I needed to surrender every aspect of my life to him, and I was ready to do it. A week later I was at work crew, and I just grew so much in him.
My senior year I thought everything was going to change, and it did. Getting accepted to the world race gave me purpose. In July at training camp I walked away thinking I wasn’t going to be going on the world race. But God had different plans for me. Soon enough I was in Cambodia.
Cambodia…. A country filled with a lot of history, full of amazing people, and in need of Jesus.
The first month went by quickly and I have never felt more full. He provided everything I needed. Halfway through the second month we had a girls night. The topic of that girls night… Shame.
We watched a video and it mentioned that shame it’s like a gremlin. And I immediately associated it with the movie gremlins… Which for some reason I watched a lot growing up. Shame can be all cute and cuddly and you don’t really notice it but once you feed it after midnight it turns into an ugly green monster that is set on ruining everything.
I HAVE THAT UGLY GREEN MONSTER LIVING INSIDE OF ME… AND ITS NOT JEALOUSY.
I FELT SHAME BECAUSE I WAS DEPRESSED.
I FELT SO MUCH SHAME FOR BEING DEPRESSED THAT I CREATED THE MEMORY ON THE PLAYGROUND IN THE FIFTH GRADE TO GIVE ME A REASON FOR BEING DEPRESSED TO BE OKAY.
and I thought that I was okay.
I didn’t realize that I wasn’t until about a week and a half ago.
So many reasons for me doing stuff from middle school on was based on a false memory. So many relationships that I have started and ended both good and bad because of that memory.
On top of the shame I am currently dealing with, I had already been dealing with figuring who I am without the mask I had hid behind for so long.
I am still figuring it out. There has been a lot of crying, screaming and I’ve punched a few pillows, but I am surrendering it all to him.
I opened quite a few notes from people tonight and looked at a lot of the verses and quotes that my mom gave me and more than half of them have to do with what I’m going through right now.
God sent me on this trip because I needed to figure out who I am and who I was. He is tearing down every single wall I have put up and I’ll admit I’m terrified of what’s about to happen.
Even today he tore down my wall of homesickness and I spent a long time crying and yelling with my teammate sitting beside me.
I have a long journey ahead of me as I figure it out and I’m ready. I’m giving every single aspect of my life to him even the ones I thought I didn’t need to hand over.
If you could pray for me as a embark on this journey of self discovery I would be so thankful.
On a more joyful note…
I leave Cambodia on Sunday and will be traveling to Thailand where I will spend 4ish days at a leadership disciple week with my squad and then we are off to HONDURAS! As soon as I get my ministry assignment I will let y’all know on Facebook!
