I’ve written and rewritten and deleted and written again, trying to find the words for this post. As most of you know, on July 20 I got back from World Race training camp. 10 days designed to prepare me mentally, physically, and spiritually for the good, the bad, and the ugly that I will encounter on the World Race. Those 10 days truly wiped me out. I experienced the lowest of lows when I doubted God’s very existence, when I had multiple panic attacks, and felt completely alone. To the highest of highs, when I heard Gods voice, when I witnessed physical healing, when I got baptized and surrendered everything I am and everything I will ever be to God.
I wondered if this post should just be me describing everything that happened, but that stuff really isn’t important. What matters is the outcome, what matters is God completely breaking my heart and putting it back together again. What matters is the healing, the learning, and the loving.
Here’s how it went down: When I got to training camp, I was unknowingly full of pride, I was in pain from things I didn’t even know I needed to be healed from, I was cocky and stubborn. When I left training camp, my entire old self had been evicted, I was reborn, renewed. I was humble for maybe the first time ever. The biggest thing is that I realized I am absolutely nothing without Jesus.
I got slapped in the face with the fact that I cannot do anything good on my own. I can’t love people the way they need it, I can’t love myself at all, and I cannot be what God has called me to be.
It is so hard for me to admit that fact. I never like to admit that I need anyone or anything to be complete, not even God. I want to be strong enough, I want to be brave enough, on my own. But the truth is, I don’t have enough inside of me to be good. All the things I do in a day don’t matter unless I give them to God
I picture it like this: I’m carrying just a ton of bags. They’re piled on me, weighing me down to where I can barely walk. Then Jesus comes up next to me, offering to take some, or all of them. I say no, because I’m stubborn. Because I want to prove to myself and to others that I can do it myself. Even though I say no, Jesus doesn’t walk away upset, he still walks with me. If I can’t walk, he crawls with me. If I can’t crawl, he lies with me, buried beneath all of the heavy things I was too prideful to admit were hurting me.
He picks them up, one at a time. Then he picks me up, and carry’s me. Just because he loves me. He showed me that he can handle my doubt. He can handle my fear, my Anxiety, my apathy towards him. It doesn’t phase his love for me. He will pursue me endlessly no matter how much I reject him. Because I’m worth it.
These 9 months are going to hurt. I’m going to break and get put back together and probably break again. I’m going to doubt and fear, I’m going to feel lost and confused. But In the end, there is one thing that never wavers, never changes: Jesus. Every bad thing I’ve felt, I’ve gone through, something great has come out of it. Every time I’m positive that He has abandoned me, he proves me wrong.
The safest place for me is where He sends me.
And I cannot wait to see where he sends me.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”
Matthew 16:24
