When I first got accepted to the race, the only emotion I felt was pure exhilaration. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I couldn’t imagine a day when I felt anything else! But it’s been over a month since I’ve been accepted and reality has set in. I’m still excited, but everyday fear seeps more into the cracks of my thoughts and tries to drive out the joy with a big bulldozer.
The fear (and it’s friends: doubt, loneliness, anxiety) gang up on me. Like they’re the cool kids in school and they want to make sure I know my place. That I don’t belong here. That I don’t belong over there.
It’s hard to discern what’s fear talking and what is true: I’m gonna get sick, I won’t raise the money, my expectations are too high, I’ll miss my family too much, I’ll lose my luggage, It won’t be what I want it to be.
I don’t want to surrender to these thoughts, and I don’t want to believe them. But fear is pretty convincing and sometimes I lose the fight.
My grandpa always says lose the battle and win the war. So that’s what I’m going to do. I may lose a few battles but when the time comes, I’m gonna kick fears but. It’ll be like in the end of those movies where the bullies get expelled or hit by a bus or something. I’m gonna win, God’s gonna win. Because he reminded me of something: he’s on my side.
I picture him sitting on the throne. And me coming to him, head hung low in shame. Avoiding eye contact, fiddling my thumbs, afraid I’ll get in trouble (as if I did something wrong by thinking this way). Then he stands up and rushes towards me and sweeps me up on his arms and swings me around, and we are both laughing hysterically. Then he sits me on his lap like a little girl, and says; “I’ve always been on your side. You’re my favourite girl. And this is what I made you for. So go fight and win! Because I’m right by you the entire time, I’ve always been right by you. And I love you.”
And there is no fear in love.
