Fears are something that can direct our choices and behaviors.
During the race I have come to learn that I have more fears than I thought. I have learned that fears are more than just a fear of heights or spiders, but there are much deeper than those things. Not that those fears aren’t deep, but that these fears have taken root because of things that have happened in the past that have damaged me in such a way that can only come up when you ask the Lord to reveal them to you.
So I have realized that I have had a fear of looking like a fool, or a fear of rejection (not being seen or heard), fear of appearing weak, and a fear of man. These fears all go under the same umbrella.
Growing up, I always played soccer and I now know that it gave me a performance based mentality. A mentality to impress others and to show that I was good at what I was doing. A mindset of always performing whether it was people pleasing, or seeming like I always had it together. I didn’t want anyone to see that I messed up or was struggling, because then I would be embarrassed. I thought people would see me as weak. Those feelings are still relevant in my life today-especially on the race. You usually won’t see me dancing in public or singing in public or doing silly things because I’m afraid of what people will think of me. It also takes me a little while to feel like I can be my full self around people. I feel like they won’t want to be my friend if they see every part of me, which is so wrong. I also don’t cry or show my feelings very often because I don’t want to appear weak to anyone. However, I have learned that showing your emotions is beautiful and it demonstrates strength and vulnerability.
Here’s where the fear of rejection comes in. I have a fear that people won’t like me if I do things like dancing like no one is watching, or singing in public. However, over the past 10 months I have learned that people don’t think about me as much as I think they do. I have a fear that I won’t live up to their standards-that I’m not good enough. BUT these are lies straight from the enemy.
While being on the race I have learned that being myself is beautiful because that is how the Lord created me. I have danced with children in Thailand and sang in public in just about every country.
The Lord tells me that I’m good enough. That I am worthy and that I am loved simply because he created me! The Lord knows every thing about me and still loves me more than I could ever think or imagine. These truths have so much more weight than the lies that I have been believing.
I’m afraid of going home.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so excited to see family, friends, and my dogs, but I’m scared. I don’t want these fears of man, rejection, and looking like a fool to creep back into my life. I’m afraid of getting back into life like everything is normal and this 11 months was just a trip that happened. I want to be able to come back to the states with a changed view and mindset of how to live life missionaly. With a mindset of how to apply everything that I have learned from the race to my life back in the states. I want to be able to live in such a way that represents Jesus well. I want people to see Jesus in the way that I speak, behave, walk, and live.
I know that when I go home my friends and family will have grace for me because the race is going to be something I’ll be talking about for a while. I know that the Lord will protect me and guide me through every hard part of being back in the United States. I just need to simply be patient and obedient.
Here we are in month 11!!! In 26 days I will be on US soil. Thank you all for supporting and praying for me throughout this entire journey.
