On one of our first days here in Panama, our ministry hosts took us out into Potrerillos to do a prayer walk. We were praying over the town and the whole Chiriqui province, asking God to give us words for the people, for Him to bless our ministry here, and for His presence to be known in Panama. I decided to ask God to give me images during this prayer walk – I had a friend who would receive beautiful imagery from our Lord, especially imagery from His creation. I desired that same sort of communication with God and to hear Him speak through His creation, so I let Him know.
As we were walking and praying over the homes we passed, I noticed an ant carrying a leaf on the sidewalk. Now, this isn’t an uncommon sight here in Panama, but I felt thoughts bubble up as I watched this ant carry the leaf. Holy Spirit was giving me a word from His creation! Wow, He is a swift prayer-answerer. Here’s what He told me: this ant is small, fragile and seemingly insignificant, but it is carrying a leaf that is multiple times its size – and carrying it well! The people of Potrerillos and the surrounding towns may feel small, looked-over, or insignificant, but God sees them as mighty and they can be a mighty force for the Kingdom in the surrounding cities – even the big cities of Boquete and David. The people here in Chiriqui can sweep the Gospel across western Panama, Central America, and the world.
I also noticed that a lot of houses were using old tires as plant pots in their front yards. Some were painted different colors, sometimes there were two stacked on top of each other, but they were always proudly on display in front of these houses with greenery spilling out the top.
Holy Spirit was impressing another word for the people of Panama through these tires. God wants to bring abundance out of something seemingly dirty, old, or useless. He can grow beautiful flowers that overflow from that “useless” thing, just like He wants to use these people; they just need to recognize that He can. He is not just a big guy in the sky or some image to worship – He is Lord, King and Father. He is restoring, disrupting and caring.
I really loved this image God gave me – I even took a photo of one of the flower-bearing trees growing out of a tire. I clung to this scene during the upcoming weeks. I wrote about the vision in one of the Bibles we were handing out to people – intending to give it to someone who had tire-planters in their yard. I used this image to encourage others and point them to how God can use them. He used this image to remind me that He can use me, too.
As many of you know, I have a condition called Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. That’s a long way of saying “we aren’t really sure exactly what you have but it’s something like this”. MCTD is a family of autoimmune diseases, the most well-known of which is Lupus (because, Selena Gomez ha). Basically, it is some way that your immune system is attacking your body, and mine manifests itself through severe joint pain. When I first started feeling symptoms in the beginning of 2017, I thought it was Arthritis or Lyme Disease. It hurt to turn the steering wheel on my car and my dog-walking job strained my body like never before. I could only shuffle to walk and maneuvering to put my bookbag on was embarrassingly difficult. My rheumatologist put me on steroids and medication to relieve the pain and help stabilize my condition once they concluded it was some kind of MCTD. During this difficult time of figuring out my diagnosis, I also lost my voice. Turns out, I have vocal nodules (something I thought only existed in Pitch Perfect. “I HAVE NODES!”), which may be associated with my MCTD but also may not. Vocal nodules are bumps that form on your vocal cords from irritation and overuse. It prevents your vocal folds from closing all the way and your voice gets raspy or basically inaudible. The worst cases require surgery to repair the damage – thankfully mine weren’t that extreme, but they were extreme enough to force me to step down from leading worship (that, paired with the fact that playing guitar hurt with my new joint problems).
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this and what the heck this has to do with Panama and the images I received from God. Don’t worry, we’re getting to it, just hang in there!
So, as I was struggling with being sick, I thought a lot about what this means about my relationship with God. Before I started medication for MCTD, I thought, “What if this is my normal forever? What if I have to use a wheelchair at 22 years old because it hurts too much to walk? What if I can’t ever sing again or play guitar again? Will I still say God is good and praise Him for all the ways He has blessed me?” This was a sobering thought. Is my identity in my physical abilities here on this earth or in the good, good Father I have in heaven and dwelling within me? This was also the first time I heard about the World Race. God, this sounds incredible, but I can’t do something like the World Race when I can barely open a jar of peanut butter. So, I wrote it off. This wasn’t an option for someone hurting as much as I was.
But, as I continued with my medication and I tested my limits physically, I started to think that the World Race could be a real option for me. I went on hikes and camping trips and felt a bit more like my old self again. I mean, my feet swelled and hurt more than they used to after a long day of hiking, but I could do it.
As I awaited a response from the World Race about my application, lies ran through my mind. They aren’t going to accept you because you said you have MCTD on your medical history. God made you sick to keep you from the Race. This disqualifies you from doing big things for the Kingdom. Adventures finally got back to me asking for a doctor’s note that I was able-bodied enough to handle the physical challenge of the Race, which my rheumatologist thankfully obliged to do, and poof! I was accepted! Amen! God did have big things for me to do! He was still calling me to share His word and His work all over the world!
Fast forward and here I am in the Chiriqui YWAM base, and spiritual warfare has looked like a lot of self-pity and comparison. Poor me, it hurts my joints to climb into the top bunk. I am stiff and slow to move after a car ride, this is so much harder for me than for anyone else. No one can see how much I’m hurting so it isn’t valid. Wow. It’s difficult for me to type those words because I’m afraid to admit that that’s what I have been thinking. I’ve been struggling with my place on this squad since training camp. I’ve felt like I don’t fit in, like there is no way I add value spiritually, physically, relationally. The lie that this squad and my team would be the same without me creeps in regularly. But, every time I allow these thoughts to creep in, God says: You are healed. You are worthy. You are valuable.
This last week in Panama, I had the privilege of leading worship at a nursing home we did ministry at. I was nervous and apprehensive, but as we rode in the van there and I taught everyone the Spanish songs we would be singing, peace washed over me. Did my hands still hurt from playing guitar? Yes. Did my voice strain and throb as I pushed out notes? Yes. But, Holy Spirit used this simple time of worship to combat every lie in my head with a simple phrase:
I use what seems useless.
I bring abundance and overflow from the worn out and disregarded.
I harvest blooms from old tires.
I was seeking a vision for Panama from God at the beginning of this month, and He gave me one, but Holy Spirit loves to do that sneaky thing where He decides to work on my heart at the same time. He’s giving me abundance in what I perceived as useless. He is breaking down the lies that I have no purpose and filling me with beauty and fruitfulness. He looks at something the world may say is lacking – you can’t drive with it anymore, it belongs in the landfill – and He restores, renews and repurposes it for His glory.
God is repurposing my heart here in Panama, and I can’t wait to see all the other ways He is going to refine me during these eleven months. It’s difficult; I have to remind myself that I receive worth and healing from Him daily, but it’s this disruptive, life-rattling love that calls me higher and draws me close to Him.
grace + peace
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