Hi. This blog has been a long time in the making. Like so long I kinda don’t know where to start with it or what the message is I am trying to convey. But I do want to just kinda share my heart and give y’all an update as to what I have been walking through in this last month…./year??? Stay with me as I talk about things that may seem minuscule in your own hearts and please have grace for me as I address some things that may seem shallow! Thank you!
Before I left for the Race, I made the decision to dye my hair back to my natural color- which is like a darkish brown. I had my hair blonde for sooo long, and I loved the heck out of it!!! But I ultimately wanted to dye it back just because of upkeep ya know?? It’s annoying to keep up with any hair color that isn’t your natural one- and it was quite impossible for me to do so being that I would be gone!
And long story short there was like a miscommunication and my hair ended up being like a dark brownish/red. (Ps this is NO shade to the hairdresser that did my hair, she is a wonderful human and I think that it was JUST as much my fault if not more because I did not effectively communicate what I wanted.) I was feeling the most insecure after looking at it. Just was in a season of loneliness with all my friends leaving for college. I was struggling with discontentment as my feet stood in the States. And then on top of it all, the one of the few things I cherished about myself was switched up on me as well.
So I go to a friend of my mom’s who is a hairdresser and ask if she can maybe take out some of the red. And she does! Score! I cannot tell you how thankful I was! Got to have the best of both worlds. No purple shampoo needed, no red hair, and felt pretty again.
But about a month into the Race, all the brown dye that was put on top washed out in the shower. So I was left with this interesting golden orange kind of color???
So great. Stuck in Africa and already struggling with my inward identity and now I just do NOT feel cute.
When I tell you every time I looked in the mirror I felt sad— MAN I would just sit there and look at myself and hold in tears because I was so discontent with the way I looked.
It was a harrrrddd season! I know so many women and men struggle with this too. The whole self image thing. The mirror being your least favorite thing to see. Compliments feeling fake because theres no way someone actually thinks that about you. Photos not being fun anymore.
So guess what! I said NO to it all. I stopped denying compliments and accepted them. I stopped declaring lies over myself. “You look so bad” no longer had a place in my head. And I thought that was good enough!
Then, one morning I was looking in the mirror getting sad again, and the Lord was like “Hey— why don’t we not do that?” And I was like “What? The whole feeling bad for myself thing?” And he’s like “No girl, the mirror. You don’t have to look in it. Your feelings are valid but you are feeding into them when you sit and look.”
So I was like WOW thank you Jesus!!! Let’s do something about it!!
And so I decided I was gonna fast from looking in the mirror for a month.
So yeah— I stepped into the no mirror thing. And it was way harder than I thought.
I messed up soooo much! I glanced in the mirror walking into the bathroom. I looked at photos of myself. Took photos of myself. Glanced in windows.
I even almost got my hair done during my fast which…. was completely opposite to what I wanted to achieve! It wasn’t until my squamate, Hannah, asked me “How would getting your hair done contribute to your fast of negative self image?” I realized how right she was and that I would only be getting my hair done because I hated the way I looked. It wasn’t to accentuate my beauty, but to create it. And so I was just like OUCH! If that wouldn’t just put me right back at the start. So I cried about it (Lol seems funny thinking back on it but) but told the Lord I wouldn’t do it unless He gave me the ok. Unless I knew it was from the right place. I didn’t want this whole thing to be in vain! I realized I would way rather have genuine growth than have cute blonde hair. So the orange got to hang! <3 hahah
But to take a jump—as I am writing this I am finished with my fast!!! I learned SO much. I understand now that it’s not about not looking in the mirror, it’s about the intention behind it. What am I looking for?
It’s refreshing to look now. I just feel so different from times in the past— even before the whole hair thing. && I realized it’s because I now put my opinion of my appearance in the hands of the one who created it.
Yeah, its still a learning process. I sometimes feel like I don’t want to look in the mirror again, but this time because I don’t But after a month of not doing so, I realized that my beauty deserves to be acknowledged. I deserve to look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful because the Lord declares me to be!!” I GET to see His creation. Even if sometimes it’s not my favorite, its still wonderful because He made it. I am wonderful because I am made by Him. You are wonderful because you are as well! Declare that over yourself as you look in the mirror today. You deserve it.
Thank you Jesus for new learning experiences. Thank you for the ways that they are hard and force us to look into places we don’t want to. Thank you that in Africa you have shown me how beautiful you think I am. Thank you for blessing us with things to highlight our beauty not alter it! Thank you for women and men all over the world that you are teaching the same thing.
AND THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING THIS! I know it may seem trivial but seriously I have been waiting to write this thing for so long. I wish I could more accurately explain all the feelings and growth from this season—but alas! That’s all I got. Sending my loveeeeee!
