Hi my loves! I am so excited to write another blog- and it’s all because the Lord is doing SUCH a great work on my heart.
So, just being transparent, I have low-key always struggled with grasping the idea that the Lord loves me as much as He does. Before I knew Jesus intimately, I placed so much value in my appearance and boy’s opinions of me. I just wanted to feel seen. I have really seen that struggle be highlighted in the way that my first month has looked! Just wanna touch that and what the Lord has been doing to help me through it.
Leaving for the race, I really struggled with the fact that I would have to leave so many clothes behind. I know it may sound shallow, but I really have come to realize that I am a materialistic girl. I kinda saw a little bit of that in myself while I was packing, like bringing clothes as my comfort away from home, but deep down I justified that as normal. Since leaving home, I have had a slight panic attack everytime I have to wear the same shorts I have been wearing for the past 3 days. I dream of finding a new pair of jeans at the mall- or a dress. I miss seeing my whole body in a mirror. I miss my sweet sweaters and my cute shoes. I honestly have just been going through it and not feeling like myself. And I hate to admit all this, because I feel like this is such an ugly thing to share but man have I been learning a lot from it. A sweet girl on my team (thx Elle) just reminded me of the inner beauty the Lord has blessed me with. That anything I put on my body could not affect the way the Lord sees me. Yeah, I still am dealing with and going through what that means because my I’ve struggled with it my whole life and it won’t go away after one revelation- but I see how desperately the Lord pursues me in this time of hurt and it means a lot. I put a quote above my my bed from my favorite book, and it says “Our God finds you lovely. Jesus has moved heaven and earth to win you for himself. He will not rest until you are completely His. The King is enthralled by your beauty. He finds you captivating.” THATS WHAT I GET TO WAKE UP TO EVERY MORNING! I am so thankful that I serve a God who is patient with me while I navigate through my feelings, and that He holds my hand through them all- even if they look like crying over clothing.
As most of you know, we are living together as a whole squad in South Africa. It has been so wonderful and fruitful, but with that the enemy knows just how to make his way into it. I have really had a hard time living in community with the boys- like YES they are my brothers in Christ and show me so much about what a man of God looks like!! But just being honest my human heart can’t help but strive to “impress them.” I wouldn’t say I go out of my way to be a certain way, or change myself to get attention, but I do sometimes feel deep down that I need to be seen by them. Like picked out of the crowd of wonderful women around us and seen as special. Seen. Wow. A word that has been so so so pressed on my heart this month. In striving to feel love in the wrong places, Jesus keeps whispering to me “You are seen. You are loved. You are chosen- out of ANY crowd. You are mine. Stop seeking your identity elsewhere.” And it has been really sweet. Like I said earlier, definitely a learning process but like…to see the Lord’s hand! Beauty!
AND THEN- not only has He spoken to my heart about the way He loves me but He spoke through our morning speaker to ME. The speaker said “I feel like the Lord is telling me that someone in this room is struggling with their worth. The Lord wants me to tell you that you are seen and you are special. I see a vision of a field full of yellow flowers, and then one pink one. You are the pink one to Jesus.” I WAS LIKE…..GOD!!!! YOU ARE SO SWEET!!! And it gets even betteeeerrrr. After that I went to ministry (which was picking up rocks out of a big field) and saw a bunch of yellow flowers….AND ONE PINK ONE. ONE. PINK. FLOWER. Isn’t the Lord so romantic?! He pursues me day after day and reminds me that my beauty solely rests in Him.
I am slowly seeing that the root of all my struggles seem to be the desire to be seen, and Jesus works through all of them and ties them together to bring Him glory. So HE is seen.
I am thankful for the truth that I am beautiful. I am being pursued. My inward beauty shines. I am powerful and strong. I am loved and I am chosen. And all by Jesus who is consistently faithful and good. Whenever you follow Jesus things don’t get easier, but they do get better. Struggles don’t disappear, but you do have a holy hand over them. Could never earn this love or this life.
