The Lord has been teaching me so much in the Dominican Republic. So here are a few puzzle pieces that have been rolling around in my puzzle box.
Dance. Such a simple word yet can do so much. Dance. A place to need God. A spot unlike any other. Exhausting yet so needed. A place to release emotions and not be judged. A place to give them to God. Somewhere that I have found comfort and joy in. This was my definition of dance. So when we did dance for ministry I found it surprisingly hard. I thought ‘Yes, I’ll be able to release all my hard emotions’. Then I figured out we were doing a upbeat and exciting song meant to hype the kids up, and I struggled. I struggled to be excited. I struggled to always keep a smile on. But this allowed me to need God well, and I was able to turn to God to walk me through everyday.
Grieving. Something a lot of us don’t like to do but something that is needed. We all need time to grieve. The Lord showed me through others that I had never grieved my dad having siezures. As most people know my dad had brain surgery when I was about 4 (I think). My earliest memory that I have is holding my mom’s hand after school as we walked up the parking lot into the hospital where I would see my dad with wires in his head. I never realized how much that day changed me. How much growing up scared that he could have a siezures at any time. I was around 13 when I first actually saw my dad have a siezure. I turned the corner walking into the living room to find my dad on the floor shaking uncontrollably, his head turning black and all I could do was run and get my older sister and call my mom. If you have ever been around when someone has had a siezure you know that there isn’t much you can do until it’s over. And that scared me, to my very bone. I have been living in the fear and pressure of being there when it happened. To be honest I still don’t know how much that day affected me and changed me into who I am today. But as I was grieving that with God, He showed me that He knows, He knows the pain and what it felt like to turn that corner and walk into the living room, because He was right there with me as it happened.
Trust. Something that doesn’t come easy to me. I think it keeps me safe but really it traps me in and others out. When I choose to take it in my own hands it only ends up failing. But when I choose to give it to God I am able to rely on Him to take care of me. He protects me and He knows what’s best for me, not me. Trusting God is not easy, at least not for me. I want to protect myself so that I have control. But when my life spins out of control I suddenly realize I should have just let God have it. There are times that I want to trust God but something keeps holding me back. I have to push past it and trust God because I know in the end it’s so much better.
Imagination. A place where dreams come alive. Where reality doesn’t matter and where the mind can freely roam. I have a big imagination, I will take ordinary scenarios and make them my own. But God revealed that the girl who lives in my imagination is not me and could never be me, because she is too perfect. She can’t relate to people through the scars and pain that she has walked through. She is a dream and will always remain there. Though it’s fun to let my imagination run wild I have to be sure that I remember that she is a dream and can never be a reality. When I take this step back I realize I wouldn’t even want to be her, she is too perfect, knows all of the things, and never messes up. How could I relate to others without walking through things? How could I love others without messing up? It is from the mistakes that we learn. So how could I do anything while missing the experience of learning, or the funny stories. How could I relate without the scars? My life is much better than a dream I created in my head. My life is an adventure that a dream never could be. My life is a story far above any thought or imagination, because it’s written by someone much better and farther above me.
The little things. I have been struggling to see the Lord here in the Dominican Republic. I felt like I came off a spiritual high and I had seen God work in so many different and big ways that that is what I was expecting here. But the Lord showed me that He had other, better plans. Instead of showing up in big ways He has shown me Himself in the little things. I see Him in a smile or a fun day of ministry. I see Him in the clouds and the sky. The Lord has shown me that this is so good because so often I fing myself looking for Him in a huge way. But now I know that He is in my everyday and if I just look for Him I can always find Him.
This became a lot deeper than I was expecting, but I hope all of you were able to get something from it. Love you guys and praying you have a great day!
