It's a bit long but stick with me:
Training camp Tore.Me.Apart.
Emotionally
Spiritually
Mentally
Physically
I had to let go of things that needed to be let go of. Things that happened 6 years ago. These things were buried so far, deep down in my heart. I mean, they had picked the deepest, darkest, most hidden spot in my heart and set up camp. There was probably a fire, a clothesline, and a little sign that said: Emmaly's Problems Welcome for the Long Haul!
I never even realized that those issues were there until a couple of months ago, and I still never dealt with them. They would occasionally come to the surface, which would cause me to cry a little or talk about them for a second, and then they would make their way back down to the camp site. Shoot, I should've collected rent.
Just a quick little background:
My parents divorced when I was like 7. My mother and I had a very bad relationship, it was to the point where I hated her (I know, I know). She had hurt me a lot….mentally and emotionally. I loved going to my dad's because he allowed me to be a kid, where as my mom, not so much. She would tear me down with her words….a lot. She took me from my dad when I was at that age where a girl needs her father. I lost a lot of time with my dad, and then by the time he had gotten me, I had already "grown up".
But…..
Did I ever express this to her??
No, absolutely not.
Why??
Well, when I was 12, I lived with my mom and we had begun to attend church. She got saved and so did I. Our relationship began to build. In a positive way. She started showing me affection in a way that she never had before and I started to accept her and love her. She passed away when I was 16, so the Lord blessed us with 4 years to get to know one another again.
Guys, I had a mother and I was so excited!
I was so excited for that, that I had forgotten all of the hurt and the pain that she had caused me in previous years. Actually, I just shoved it all so deep down inside, that I forgot about them and can I just say…..Satan knew that. He knew that I had never really forgiven my mother for the pain that she had caused me, so he took that as an opportunity to burrow himself into that nice little cozy campsite in my heart.
And there he sat and waited, ever so patiently, for 6 years.
Man.
So, one day at training camp, I had the wonderful privilege of chatting it up with an awesome World Race Alumni and she had asked me to share a little bit of my story. So, I told her a little bit of my past with my mom and all.
Later on that evening, before the service there was always worship, which is my favorite part! As I am singing, you know, got the eyes closed and the hands raised, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I open my eyes just a little and see that it's the WR Alumni that I had spoken with earlier. So, I look at her and she starts telling me that the Lord has given me such a sweet heart but that 6 years is such a long time to hold onto the pain that is in my heart.
So then she walks away and the tears start. I mean, they are coming, oh and the snot to. I am standing there just thinking about what she said and then the worship ends and everyone sits for the sermon. I am finally getting a grip on my emotions when the speaker pulls his first slide up for the power point:
Grieving The Seasons.
It took everything I had to keep from bursting into tears when I saw that. The whole time the speaker was talking, I felt those problems that were buried so deep down start to rise up. I had never grieved my mom and I hadn't realized it until right then.
When he finished his sermon……I just let lose. 6 years worth of tears and snot just started pouring out (how about that image..). One of the other squad leaders came over and held me. She prayed for me while I sat there crying.
- Crying for all of the hurt that was caused by my mom, crying for all of the "important events" that she had missed.
- Crying for the pain, bitterness, and hatred that I had locked up in my heart towards my mom for SO many years.
- I cried for the lost time with my earthly father.
- I cried even harder for the lost time with my Heavenly Father.
My stomach and eyes hurt so much that evening, but wanna know something Awesome?!
Freedom happened that night! I was no longer bounded by the hurt and the pain that kept me from fully worshipping and loving my Heavenly Father. I was set free from Satan's hold on my heart.
Wanna know something even more Awesome??
The Holy Spirit allowed me to see my mom standing next to her Father with tears of happiness in her eyes. In that moment, I saw my past with her and then I saw her past, and then the Lord was whispering in my ear to forgive. Forgive your mother. After letting so many tears and snot go before, I didn't think it was possible for anymore to come out of my body, haha, boy was I wrong.
My Loving, Forgiving, Adoring, Merciful, Graceful Father blessed me with Freedom that night.
Guys, there is so much that happened at training camp. I could probably write ten blogs of everything that happened but this one tops them all:)
We serve such an awesome and loving Father. Never forget that!
Love you all!
Emms
