It’s a new season right now! Full of transition and change and new things which is definitely exciting but also overwhelming and very weird at times. I’m grieving leaving behind my past season in Cambodia which was absolutely incredible, and learning how to enter into this new season in Ethiopia well.
It’s always hard to leave behind a season that was good. When I’m moving out of a season that was hard, it’s exciting and a welcomed change, but to leave the home and family that I made in Kampot is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do so far on the race. It’s hard to let yourself move on fully when the past was awesome and safe and comfortable and so so good.
Leaving is sad. And I’m learning to recognize how good that really is. I’m glad it’s sad to say goodbye to Cambodia! That means I loved and was loved well. It means that there was beauty and blessings. It means there was growth and adventures and so many good memories and relationships. I’m learning to take the time to recognize those things, be grateful for them, mourn leaving them, and lay them at His feet. I can’t really enter into a new season fully until I’ve completely surrendered the past. No comparison. No expectations. No regrets.
It’s the first week in Ethiopia and it’s already full of sweet promises of what’s to come. This place is awesome and the ministry we’re working for is incredible! I cannot wait to be here for 3 months and I know it’s going to be another really good (hard and weird at times but definitely so good) season for me and for my team. I recognize this and I’m grateful to be here but honestly the past week has just been really sad. I miss the familiarity of our village in Cambodia. I miss the inviting atmosphere and the culture of the people that surrounded us. I miss living with just my team. I miss Corbyn like crazy. I miss Vuthy and his family. I miss our ministry. I miss the freedoms and flexibility we had. I even miss the heat and the mice and the chickens. I have a deep desire to be present in this moment, but I’m learning how important it is to take the time to really feel what I’m feeling. Not sit in it. But feel it, take it to my Father, let Him care for my heart and speak truth, and then enter into the newness.
So I’ve been sad. Really sad. I’ve cried a lot and spent a lot of time with Jesus, and, of course, been wrapped up in His love and comfort. As I’m in this weird in-between of mourning the past and engaging in the present, He’s been teaching me a ton. He never fails to fill me to overflow especially when I’m feeling the most empty. So here’s the latest idea He’s been blowing my mind with:
Romans 8:15-17 (in the Message version)
This resurrection life you received from God is not the timid, grave-tending life. It’s ADVENTUROUSLY EXPECTANT, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next Papa?” God’s spirit touches our spirit and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us- an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through hard times with Him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with Him!
What does it even look like to be adventurously expectant? To walk the line of expectation for the new season and the mourning of the old one? To be expectant without expectations? To have the boldness to live in the adventure set before me even when it means hard changes and goodbyes? I desperately want to live in this place of adventurous expectation. Of knowing who He is and knowing who I am in Him and walking in the certainty and excitement of those realities.
Adventurous expectancy is rooted in childlike faith. That’s the secret to it all. It’s a wild, risky, faith and trust in who He is. It means abandoning my safety nets and my walls of protection. It’s open hands and releasing my own desires and plans. It means sacrificing my independence for dependence on Him. Its letting go of what’s in the past and fixing my eyes on Him. It’s living from His strength instead of mine. It’s understanding that there will be sadness and pain along the way and feeling it while looking to the new season with joy, knowing that He is always good and always faithful. Being wildly thankful for the adventures He taken me on. Expecting to find the beautiful new adventure that He’s promised to take me on. It’s trust that He’s moving me from glory to glory.
For me, walking in childlike faith means a lot. Reworking the way my mind has been trained to think. Turning back the clock. Reclaiming what’s been taken. Releasing my fear of failure and the fear of being failed by others. It’s kind of a scary leap, but it’s something that I’m learning to walk in right now.
Really it’s all about knowing the truth of who He is and who I am, believing it, and living like it’s true. It’s reckless abandon and wild love. Walking in freedom and risky faith. Being adventurously expectant even in the midst of the sadness of goodbyes. It’s totally a weird paradox but it’s also beautiful.
I’m in Ethiopia! I’m on a new and beautiful adventure with Him! I’m sad to leave behind the last one, but also deeply grateful for each and every moment that I got to experience. I’m mourning the past and releasing it and all the while I’m adventurously expectant for what’s to come. This next season is going to be good because He is good and I can’t wait!
