Spending three weeks without wifi has really allowed me to dig deep into my thoughts. Specifically my thoughts on who I am as a person. Month one debrief we talked about our true selves and our false selves. False selves meaning the masks that we put on each day, whether consciously or unconsciously. In my journey with fasting snacks, I figured it would be beneficial to fill the discomfort with the Lord and along with the Lord, learning. Thanks to Kate Goeler who always recommends books that wreck our lives in the best way, I read through The Gift of Being Yourself: A Sacred Call by Dr. David Benner. Benner dives into defining false selves, unrooting false selves, and discovering true selves all in the confines of five chapters. I must add, true and false selves is a process and I highly recommend reading through the book as slow as possible.
As I read through the book, I chewed over each chapter. What is my false self? My false self is a mask that I put on to portray to others an ideal image I am creating. This is toxic to your relationship with God in the sense that you are taking power and purpose away from your being and yourself as God’s image. When I try to control the image others have of me by changing how I act on the outside, I am compromising the person that God has created on the inside. She becomes buried underneath worldly ideals and images. “The core of false selves comes from the belief that your value depends on what you have, what you can do, and what others think of you.” – Basil Pennington.
It is one thing to acknowledge that yes, I do wear masks each day. And yes, I do have false selves. But it is an entirely different game to identify each false self and attack it head on.Uncovering our false selves is a never-ending process as it is human nature to want to hide our insecurities and fallacies. We often times have a strong attachment to these false selves as it is where we find comfort and security. However, this attachment steals our freedom and makes our joy and contentment dependent on their presence. When you find your true self exposed, it can make you feel naked and vulnerable, open to the judgement of others and the acknowledgement of aspects of our lives that make us feel lesser. “Are you prepared to be other than your image of your false self? If not, you will live in bondage to your false self.” – Richard Rohr.
The way to finding my true self has been through God. Seeking to find Him first before I seek to find myself always leads to the discovery of myself. “Nothing is more important, for if we find our true self we find God, and if we find God we find our most authentic self.” – David Benner. Quite honestly nothing scares me more than walking through this life masking who the Lord has created me to be simply because I am afraid to fully trust that my God is a fulfilling God. The false Emma hides under independence, affirmation, perfection, competition, and comparison. The true Emma is first identified as deeply loved by Christ. The true Emma is first a daughter of Christ.
I’ve just scratched the surface of my true self, not even fully knowing yet all the masks I have engrained in my behavior. But God will reveal to me my true self through a spiritual transformation rather than simply a behavior modification. It will take courage and discomfort but sitting in the discomfort is where the Lord will meet me and reveal to me who I am in Him. Month two is the month when the real Emma Koestner stands up – identified first as loved. She is a daughter who is seen as worthy by Him.
