Month one was a strange time for me. I was in and out between comfortable and uncomfortable. Our accommodations at Hope for the DR spoiled us very much – the nice showers, the pool, the huge servings at meals. Contrary to what I expected prior to launching, I was living lavishly. The emotional stress from being away from home on top of having to make friends with and live with forty-two other people played a large part in the discomfort. The people, places, and things that I would normally seek comfort and assurance in at home were no longer around. I fell into an easy trap of finding comfort and affirmation in snacks rather than finding comfort in God. The corner store was barely a five minute walk from our home and someone always wanted to go. Cookies, chips, breads and muffins, chocolate bars, orange juice, even blue Gatorade would sucker me in everyday. Acknowledging that I was reverting to negative behaviors from home was hard. I spent a large portion of my debrief being convicted by the Lord about the root of my snacking habit.
Not only was I seeking momentary comfort, I was reverting back to snacking to fill a hole that has grown in my heart. In Luke 12:22-34, Jesus is telling them do not worry about what you will eat or drink or wear. The Lord provides all these things to us, as we are much more than the birds and the flowers. “And how much more valuable you are than birds!” By not recognizing that the Lord will provide each and every thing I will ever need, I am turning away from God and telling Him that I don’t need Him. If I truly see myself as a valuable daughter of Christ who is worthy of God’s love and provision, I will surrender control of the food I consume and the clothes that I wear.
Eight days into our ministry here in Haiti and I have fasted snacks for each of them. God has called me to allow Him to take the reigns on what I will eat for our time in Haiti. This has looked like only eating what is provided to me within our World Race food budget. I eat three hearty meals a day from our lovely cook ladies. While I have been obedient to the fast, I have had to fight feelings that I did not expect. Entitlement and temptation.
Thoughts begin to surface every time food is brought out to the table. Thoughts like “I am fasting snacks so I should get to eat first.” “I am fasting snacks so I should get seconds or a bigger portion.” Ugly, nasty thoughts of entitlement that make me feel gross. Those thoughts are a fight that I have to battle at every meal. Often times I will go at the end of the line to force myself to lean into the discomfort and allow God to reveal something to me about myself. Lately He has been teaching me about patience. I am learning to accept my portion and my lot in life and find peace with what He has provided. Entitlement is a sneaky thing and when not acknowledged and confronted head-on can grab hold of your heart.
Reading James 1 this morning, I started to unfold another layer of feelings about snacks, entitlement, and seeking comfort. “When tempted, no one should say “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed” James 1:13-14. Moments when I feel tempted I have to remember that God is not placing those feelings in my heart, I am allowing them in because of my human nature. Speaking the temptation out loud and bringing it into the light has allowed me to be freed of cravings.
Bringing negative behaviors into the light has given me freedom. I have found that my desire for snacks is less. My view on food has changed. My heart for the Lord is growing and my mind is expanding to the capacity of God’s provision. While I am praying trust and hope over other families here in Haiti who have literally no food, I am learning what it means in just a simple way to rely on God for my provision.
Thank you all for your support and prayers! I am thriving, not just surviving here in Haiti (even though the saying “It’s as hot as Haiti” is a real thing)! Time is flying by, I am seeking intentionality and total presence here before we head over to Botswana in just 18 short days. Can you believe that? In 18 days I will be off to my third country of the Race. Wow. I love you all, please enjoy as much hot chocolate and warm fall things for me as I chase summer around the globe 🙂
Love and blessings from the Kay Pwason,
Emma
