3 months ago in Botswana.
“Perfect. God knew what he was doing when he painted you. Through Christ there is no flaw, no imperfection. You are just right. In your beauty, strength, and courage, He declares it.”
1 Corinthians 15:10 “By the grace of God, I am what I am.”
Those were words I read three months ago. Words that went in one ear and right back out the other, until recently. Through my time here in South Africa I am beginning to realize that I have a problem. If you would have asked me a year ago or even a few months ago to identify the problem, I most likely would have told you I have a problem with perfection. The word perfection. Ugh. It just leaves a gross taste in my mouth because the word perfection is coupled with the word striving. And the word striving unroots years and years of unfulfilled searching for perfection, never feeling like I was enough. Those years of trying to reach this unattainable level of perfection left me spiritually empty in an aspect of life that not many of us are willing to admit we are empty in. I don’t have a problem with perfection. I have a problem with love.
Four weeks ago I hit a breaking point. I was spiritually dead inside and I knew it. And deep down I knew why. Sitting outside our house here, I told my squad leader “I feel like I just need to get it together.” My need for perfection was spilling out. I felt as though my performance in ministry was lacking. I wasn’t bringing enough to the table. Lies began to tell me that maybe I was just not cut out for the Race anymore. Maybe it was time to be done. But God had a different plan. I took a day and just sat with Him. What does He say about me. How do I look in HIs eyes. What is true about you? I asked myself. God has shown me that my need for perfection comes from a lack of love. I don’t let God love me. Not just the nice, fluffy love. But the real, passionate, pursuing love that He has for us. A kind of love that until recently I didn’t even know our God has. I had run myself dry after years and years of striving because I hadn’t allowed God to win my heart first. To love me.
A lack of deep, spiritual love leads to a lack of grace which in turn roots a need for perfection. So no. I do not have a perfection problem. I have a love problem. For the past four weeks I have been telling myself “I don’t need to get it together because He has it together.” But my heart hasn’t fully believed that. God does not want me to get it together. When I live completely ripped open He is able to shine through. My striving for perfection has gotten in the way of a full relationship with Him. He has been pursuing me, romancing me, calling me higher and I have dug my heels in and said no because I cannot accept that God has grace for me because I cannot accept that God fully loves me.
Grace comes from a place of unconditional love. My brain cannot even begin to wrap itself around grace because deep, deep down I have told myself that God’s love is conditional. I have been learning if I want to live completely ripped open, I have to live wrapped in grace. The cracks that are exposed will be covered and filled not by anything I could do but by everything that He can do. I don’t have to get it together. God does not want me to get it together. Worldly perfection is not the same as Godly perfection. Worldly perfection tells me to get it together. Godly perfection is living fully aware of your brokenness and fully aware of the wholeness that He brings and rejoicing because of it. By His Grace, I am what I am.
Now it is time to fall in love. Fall in love with my Maker. Fall in love with Him first in order walk in an unimaginable freedom. Fall in love with my brokenness. Then I will find perfection. Not the worldly perfection, but Godly perfection. I have the opportunity now to build a foundation of love that I can lean on in times of trouble, a foundation that ensures I will not question God’s character. By finding true love in Him, I also will be able to love others better. Learning the character of His love allows me to take on His characteristics in my relationships.
Three months ago God spoke a revelation over me. I have walked through the conflict. And I am finding fulfillment. It hasn’t been an easy journey, it never is when we are wrestling with God. But the reward will be so worth it. I am praying that all of you find freedom in His love. I am praying against the perfection mentality. You are worthy.
T-minus one week until the Philippines! We are wrapping up ministry here and taking in every last opportunity we have in Joburg. Be praying for all our teams as transitions begin to happen. Also be praying for our families as they begin to prepare to visit us in about a month!! As always your prayers and support mean the world to me. Sending all the love from South Africa
-Emma
