Dear Emma,
As you sit down to write this letter, you are feeling conflicted. Entering the last semester of your senior year has left a weight on your shoulders. Lots of things are changing and you do not know if you are ready. In four months you will walk across the stage and receive your diploma. In six months you will be in Gainesville, Georgia training to be sent into the world to proclaim His name. And in eight months you will be flying away from everything you have ever known for nine months. The past few months you have been filled with excitement and joy. But at the same time a deep pain has constantly been tugging at your heart. And up until this point you have not been honest with yourself and others about it.
Anxiety has been something that has broken you. Nights have been spent face down on the floor, crying until you physically cannot cry anymore. School days are spent coping just enough so that you can go home and take a nap, because somedays sleep is the only relief. What if my teammates do not like me? What if we do not get along? What if I get sick? What if I am not good enough? But in those days of crippling anxiety, you find hope. You pick yourself up off the floor. You get up off of the couch. Peace has been found in knowing that “the Lord did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind.”
Loneliness has been an overlying feeling for weeks. Changes are happening in your life and your priorities are shifting. Friends are changing. You wish people could see the pain you feel. You wish people would know. There have been days where it feels like no one cares that you are about to leave for nine months. Sometimes it feels like if you disappeared today, no one would really care. But then you get that phone call. Or that text. And you are reassured that even though they are few, there are those who are deeply invested in your journey. And you find comfort in knowing the Lord sees you and is with you every day.
Frustration has been building up. Fundraising is not going the way you planned. You wish you were better at surrendering to the process. Countless prayers have been prayed but you still cannot seem to let go of the controls and let God work in the fundraising process. For years you have struggled with perfection and having control. In the next year, Emma, you are going to have to surrender things much bigger than fundraising to the Lord. Learning to surrender is not easy, but you are working on it and I am proud of you.
I have found that putting up a façade to my feelings only leads to self-destruction and deceit. In writing this, I do not wish to concern you. I want to be real with you. Feeling these feelings has been one of the hardest times of my life. But it has also been a time of significant growth in my heart and my walk with Christ. Over nine months, you will be put into situations you cannot even fathom now. Nothing is guaranteed and constant. But the Lord will be your constant. He will guide your footsteps and move your heart. You have come a long way in the past three years… besides… “she’s not the girl I took to Montana three years ago.”
Love, Emma
