It’s been a while.
Writing for me has always been cathartic. Sometimes that’s why I avoid it for months at a time, because I know I will have to feel things. And they will sometimes hurt a lot. But in the end I always feel a lot better. I think I have a few blogs in me, but I have no idea what’s going to come out of my mouth (or fingers, rather) so stay tuned.
At the beginning of this month we packed up and left Cambodia. I didn’t write at all in Cambodia. No blogs. A few pages in my journal with a sparse amount of words on them and an instagram caption (or two) is all I have from the 60 days I spent there.
Cambodia was rough. It’s a country that’s experienced immense amounts of pain and darkness. If you want more info on the darkness that surrounds Cambodia, google the Khmer Rouge and become informed on one of our worlds most brutal and heartbreaking genocides. The light is still very dim in the aftermath of this tragedy. In addition to being in a spiritually dark country, my grandmother died and I was far from my family in a really difficult time. My squad was sick constantly. I had the flu. Twice. I had to get a new passport which involved traveling to Malaysia and being away from my people for a week. We all got lice. Woof…
Darkness, even in the midst of victory and freedom, takes a toll on a person. For me it usually manifests in the form of anxiety. Maybe I’ll write about my struggle with anxiety at some point, but for now, just know that Cambodia was not my highlight.
I found myself apologizing to my teams on the regular for not being present (I felt like I was a million miles away from everyone all the times). I spent time on my face crying out for mercy and grace from a God who I thought had surely forgotten about me, all the while knowing He was very near.
Looking back on Cambodia I am in awe of God’s protection. I tend to wander away from Him in seasons like this, but for some reason, I couldn’t this time. I wanted to, but He was my only source of comfort and security. The morning we left for the airport I woke up with a verse literally on my tongue. “For even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, My love won’t walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.” The God who has compassion on you says so. (Isaiah 54:10).
I got a freaking tattoo on my arm to remind me of this over a year ago, but even then I forget. LOVE doesn’t change. It’s constant. It’s not circumstantial. In the midst of what felt like mountains in my life crumbling down around me, Love still remained. Compassion remained. And amazingly, my people blew me away daily with their perseverance and desire to further the kingdom. Cambodia was hard, but it was so worth it.
Also, my phone crashed along with ALL of my photos from Cambodia #classic. So, Dad and whoever else you are, let the dream of seeing any pictures from these months die now…
**except for this one because my mom came to Cambodia and documented it. V fun.
