Jesus, I’m here again with a heavy heart. Tears are burning in the back of my eyes, but I refuse to release them. I don’t want to cry, I want to be at home. I feel as though I may age a million years on this race because of the anxiety I am in. I’m lying on my bed listing to the other 47 racers having a blast being together and laughing in the front lawn. So why am I not with them? Why can I not step over my emotions and into reality?
I keep thinking and defining my reality as:
I am loved. I am safe. I am not in any physical harm. I have been called here to serve. I am only 2 flights away from my family. This is only for a season. I will see and be with my family again. Jesus planned this exact trip for me. He hasn’t forgotten me. He knows my exact concordance, despite the fact that I don’t even know the cities name I am in. I am being prayed for by friends and strangers. I am loved.
Then I define and label my emotions as my reaction to everything I’m experiencing. For example, I am so far away from my family therefore I feel extremely sad and depressed. I didn’t get much to eat for lunch and so I’m still hungry. I get caught up in sad and hungry but dismiss these as emotions.
But what if these feelings are more than just something I label as emotions and fight to either overcome or become numb to? Why do my emotions have to be labeled and tied to negativity? I mean these are the things I am facing and feeling there for they are real. And if they are real to me then they are my reality.
I’ve always had the mindset that emotions are liars. And sometimes they are. Sometimes our emotions DO NOT reflect reality. But other times, like right now, they do. I always described the things I feel as if they mean nothing and should be ignored. But for now, I’m tapping into my emotions and calling them out. I’m naming them reality because they are. These are the struggles I’m facing and the feeling that I have battling daily here.
So here is a revised version of my previous stated reality, emotions and all this time:
I am loved, but I am so far away from the ones that I love the most. I am safe, but this compound in Guatemala is not my safe place. I have been called here to serve, but there might be other reasons I am here too. Maybe the Lord sent me away to grow my reliance on Him. I mean away from and with out phone access to my family I have been running to Jesus more. My mom is not here for me to lay on (yes, I am 19 and still lay on my mom’s lap, no shame) so I’ve already been climbing on Jesus’ lad more often then I do at home. Ellie is not here for me to talk to (and interrupt) constantly so I’m having more conversations with the Lord. Was this the point of me coming here along with serving your people of Guatemala tangibly?
Yes, technically I would only have to take 2 flights to be back with my family, but those two flights are equivalent to the 30 hours that stand between us on the map. This race is only a season, but that “season” is still means 9 months. No Fall Festival, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, Easter, my birthday, four of my other family members birthdays and every other event in between. All these things I will miss. So yes, its only a season but you’re living it out so far away home and the people you adore the more it begins to feel much longer than that silly little phrase “only a season” makes it sound. Yes, Jesus did plan for me to be here, but that doesn’t mean I have to really like it. No, Jesus has not forgotten me. In fact, I am engraved on His heart and in His mind. I am being prayed for and I AM LOVED. By my family? Yes. But more importantly, by my Father who has orchestrated this trip and my life “for good not disaster.”
This is my reality.
