I’m not okay.
My body is being attacked right now, my knees and feet ache every time I walk and I’ve pooped more the last 3 days than I have the last month. I’m drained, like all of my energy is taken from me each time I run to the bathroom. My head has been pounding with a headache, a slow deep pulse that keeps my mind up at night when my eyes are sealed until morning.
I’m not okay.
Quiet time has been a struggle. I have been doing it out of routine, to accomplish my goal of completing my Joy bible study. Listening to podcasts that normally excite me cause my mind to drift away to a fly on the wall.
I’m not okay.
I am watching a show on Netflix right now, one of the characters was told to close her eyes, to forget all her responsibilities; her job, her kids, the impending custody battle, a long lost love back into her life, and ask herself what do I want right now?
I asked myself the same question; I closed my eyes and listened to the words role off his tongue, allowing them to find a place in my heart. I wanted to know what my real desire was, because at the time I would have said, to be rid of whatever is going on in my stomach right now. Other than that, I am completely happy right where I am am in Malaysia. However, that wasn’t what came to mind. When I asked myself the question what do I want right now? The first thing that came to my mind was home.
I want to go home.
Simple as that, I want a bed off the floor, one that doesn’t make as much noise as a thunderstorm when I turn. I want to sit on the couch, with a blanket, a cup of coffee and a good book. I want to meet my family’s new dog. I am tired of eating the same food every month and I’m tired of change.
You would think by month 10 of 11 on the World Race, change would be second nature to me. It would be easy to pack everything up in my pack, travel X amount of hours to our next country and temporary home, but its not. Just get to Malaysia we took an 11-hour bus ride, waited at the train station for 7-hours, and then took a 17-hour night train to Malaysia. If you lost track that is about 35-hours of travel.
I wouldn’t say I am homesick for my actual home or the people there, although I truly miss them. I am more homesick for constancy, being able to depend on what tomorrow will look like and not having to worry if the water or ice will make me sick. I’m struggling to stay present and positive right now. I know that as soon as I home I will wish I was back here, in Malaysia at this coffee shop because that would meet that this remarkable journey is still happening. I want to be here, but I want to be home.
Based on discussions with my teammates we are all feeling this longing to go home in some capacity. Some would just love to see family and friends or to have a hot shower. It has been so freeing to be able to be real and honest with these ladies. Vulnerability can be hard for me; I don’t want to share the deepest parts of me because then I have to listen to them myself. I am really good at avoiding the ‘problem’ to save face or give the impression that I am fine when I am secretly ready to crumble. Vulnerability is letting go of yourself, and trusting that whatever comes out of your mouth will be met with kindness and grace. It is opening up your heart to a new possibility and sharing what is actually going on in your head. It is freedom.
I am not okay.
- I want to go home, but I deeply desire to stay serving Gods kingdom.
- I want a comfy bed off the floor but I will miss sharing a room with my sisters in Christ.
- I want to sit on the couch but if I’m lucky I can find a really good couch nearby to sit on.
All my needs are met here; I have food, shelter and love from the people around me. I don’t need the luxuries of home to make me happy or help serve God better. I know all these things, but it doesn’t make it any less hard to push through staying present.
I am not okay.
But I trust in God, that he will heal my body and take away the fear, apprehension, uncertainty that pertains to home. My body feels weak, but I AM NOT WEAK. My mind may be struggling to stay present showing weakness, but I AM NOT WEAK.
In a moment of vulnerability,
Emma
