Hopeless.
That empty feeling, nothing but darkness. Darkness is comfort, a salty taste in my mouth as my eyes overflow and I don’t care enough to wipe them before they streak my neck black with makeup. Completely and utterly alone. “Emma.” No. “Emma.” I said No! “Emma, you know what’s true.” I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to raise my head from my now wet knee. “Emma, you are beautiful.” Dang it, I crack a toothless smile. “Emma, you are good enough for me.” I smile a little bigger, but just a little. “Emma, I love you.” I lift my head and start laughing, yeah Daddy I know. Still sitting there in Silence.
I suffered from depression for a little over 3 years, a constant battle. I Begged God to take the sadness and all the feelings that came with it away. I begged and cried a lot about it. I wanted the joy I once had again, I can tell you for a fact I got it all back and then some!
I can’t say I don’t fall prey to depression any more but I can say it doesn’t get to me like it did before… Sure I get chemical imbalances that I can’t control but I can still fight. Fighting for joy is hard, “For the joy of the Lord is our strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). Joy equals strength… Don’t have it then your defenses against attack are down. Ask God for His joy!!! Then be thankful, sure it sounds cheesy… on the Race it’s called “the Thankful Game”… even cheesier. I don’t quite do it like that… Thank God for feeling down so you keep remembering you need Him and you need Him all the time. Next thing you know you grow into a joy that literally you can’t even explain to yourself. It’s amazing and beautiful and takes time. Seek God and His joy… Now that’s the real medicine. No more pills, no more herbal supplements for me.
Now every case is different because we all have our own drawers that are locked up with hurts and secrets, the lies we’ve some how gotten to the point of believing… But maybe, just maybe you can be willing to open it up for Him. Sweet relief, it’s a fight; becoming equipped isn’t an easy process but I am proof it can be done. It’s better to fight with someone then to try to fight alone, ask God to fight for you and you’ll learn what to do with Him in your heart. I expect after posting this the devil will get mad and I will have to fight some more. So BRING IT! We’re ready, my God and I.
Eucharist [thanksgiving] is the state of the perfect man. Eucharist is the life
of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of a man to God’s creation, redemption, and gift of heaven.
Alexander Schmemann
