“This is love; not that we love God, but that He first loved us.” John 4:10
Lately, the Lord has been leading me to ponder some tough questions about my relationship with Him. Most recently, He has been whispering these words to my spirit;
Are you going to continue to cling to the rigid rock of my Law, or will you allow me to show you the security of simply being my beloved?
He has been so graciously walking me through this season by highlighting two of His disciples to me; Peter & John.
We all know who the disciples Peter & John are. We watch their stories unfold separately, but at the Last Supper, their worlds collide & they are the two most prominent disciples present.
Let’s take a look back at where it all began for them — the moments in which these disciples decided to follow Jesus.
John encounters Jesus for the first time at Jesus’ baptism. From the moment he heard Him being called, “Lamb of God,” John dropped everything & followed Jesus, even spending the rest of that day with Him. John was so ravished by the beauty of his Savior that he could not resist the pull he felt toward Him.
However, when Peter met Jesus, he didn’t exactly jump to leave his life behind to follow Him. Jesus had to show up, again & again, eventually saying to Peter, “Come, follow me.” Peter took his time between meeting Jesus & knowing Jesus.
Even these details so early in these disciples’ journeys shed light on the points that I want to make about these their roles at the Last Supper.
As the disciples sat around Jesus at the Last Supper, Jesus dropped the news: one of the 12 of them were going to betray Him.
The disciples looked around at each other, obviously confused — but not John.
John just rests his head on Jesus’ chest.
Peter, though, motions to John & asks that he inquire about which of the disciples Jesus could be referring to.
These reactions bring me to the difference between Peter & John that I want us all to take note of.
Peter, who has spent so much of his time boasting of his love for the Jesus, who claimed that even if he had to die with Him, he would never deny Him, is confused (&, spoiler alert, he goes on to deny Jesus three times).
John, who refers to himself as “the beloved disciple” throughout his own writings, & who follows Jesus fearlessly & is even at the foot of the cross when He is crucified, simply rests his head on his Savior’s chest.
Peter felt distance & confusion.
John felt Jesus’ heartbeat.
Peter is wrapped up in proving his love for Jesus.
John rests & places his identity in Jesus’ love for him.
Peter’s name means “rock” or “stone.”
John’s name means “Yahweh has been gracious.”
See, there is something that feels secure about the concept of living under law & order: it gives us a sense of control, something we as humans can’t seem to get enough of.
The Law has always been based on our performance. This creates room for all sorts of ugly things; pride, arrogance, judgement, self-righteousness — the list goes on. Though no human being is capable of fulfilling the Law to its full intent, it creates the illusion that we are in control of our relationship with the Lord. It breeds a merit-based concept of love. “If I just do these things right, I can earn His love.”
This is no way to live, though. This is not God’s heart for us. We are not meant to walk along a tightrope, keeping score of how in-step we can remain with the Law, patting ourselves on the back for being “good”.
After all, if we could earn God’s favor all on our own, what good does a single word of thew New Testament do us?
Even in John’s own writings, he often refers to himself as the beloved disciple, or the disciple whom Jesus loved. I used to find that strange, but I know know that I only envied his assurance.
See, John was not special. He hadn’t tapped into some secret source of our Savior’s love that we do not also have access to. He simply knew he was Jesus’ beloved, & he wasn’t afraid to make it known. He placed his identity in it; he even replaced his own name with it.
Like John, we are meant to bask in the endless love & grace & mercy that has been extended to us. We’re meant to know that love, to place our identity in it, & to carry it to everyone around us.
That’s it. No explanation needed. We are loved, & we have to stop attaching strings to it.
I have spent years trying to be a rock, but I am finally beginning to see the beauty in the vulnerability of being Someone’s beloved.
Emily, He says. My beloved.
