Hey Guys. I want to be real with you. I want you to know where I am emotionally and spiritually. The struggle is I’m still kind of sorting through it but here goes.
Those of you who know me, know how loud and outgoing I am. Here, I’m not.
The Lord has specifically told me to be still. HA, what is still?? As I stood up to worship at launch the Lord very clearly said “SIT”. I kind of looked around and then sat down waiting to hear from God because if he told me to sit clearly he must have a reason right? Nope. I asked, “Lord what did you want to tell me?” and he said nothing. So I went to stand up again, bc those who know me know I usually don’t sit still during worship. But again before I could stand the Lord said “sit” and i was like ‘BUT WHYYYYY”. He said one word. Obedience. The Lord has been teaching me to be intentional with Him and to sit still with Him. That part has been great! Even when I’ve struggled with it, being sick the last couple days I haven’t been intentional, but he is always intentional with me. Always there to tell me how loved and adored i am.
So whats the problem you may ask? Chillin with the Lord, hearing him whisper how much he loves me. Sounds pretty awesome right?
Well first, comparison seeks to steal my joy. Im am hanging out with a supernatural group of people and I compare myself to them. Lord, why can’t i speak in tongues? Lord, why don’t i see visions? Lord, why don’t i have clear words for people? I get nervous and try to hide in the background. The Lord has already called me to be still right? So its easy to hide and call it Holy. Its been an easy excuse to not have conversation with everyone because i feel to inadequate. Wow, thats hard. Even harder to work against it.
I do believe to Lord has told me to be still. I do believe he wants to be learn to be quiet with Him and spend time listening to Him more than I talk. A little more introverted if you will. Thats been hard to learn how to do. I don’t know how to make friends and get to know people with this new thing going on. Then I’ve been hiding behind it. You don’t know how hard it is to admit that to you.
Its month 2. Im in Nepal for all squad month. I have the chance to spend time with and get to know my squad before we are separated next month. Its month 2 and thats only a small fraction of what the Lord is doing in my heart. I don’t have major words of wisdom. I wish i could tell you that i feel differently as i write this, that I’m being filled with supernatural power and i can go out and hang with the squad now and own it! But i don’t feel that and i don’t know whats going to happen. Pray for me as i struggle. As i continue to learn.
Be honest and real or satan will use it to destroy you.
