My India VISA came in today. What I should be feeling is unbelievable overwhelming excitement. I mean how often does a person get to visit 11 countries in 1 year!?! I get to do that. I am going. Deadline for January? Met. VISA? check. So what am I feeling right now?
Terrified.
As I worked my 8 hour shift at Starbucks tonight, it was easy. I know how to do my job well. I love my job. I could probably make drinks blindfolded my muscle memory is so on point. Next year, I wont have any muscle memory. I led a solid efficient floor tonight. Customers received quality drinks. All partners were taken care of and the store was cleaned in a timely fashion. Next year, I am not in charge. I locked up and came home to a comfy warm bed. Next year, I don’t know what my day to day will look like. Or my bed.
Next year is going to be hard. Constantly moving. Once I adjust to India, we are going to move again. To another country with new customs to learn and new language to hear and new people to meet. I’m traveling with a team of people I don’t yet know deeply. We are going to be put in different circumstances that push us mentally, emotionally, and physically and we are going to have to learn how to work together, and get along. You see here at home, I’m comfortable. Home is easy. I know what to expect at work. I know my friends personalities and how they react to certain situations. I am comfortable and it’s scary to leave comfort and walk into the unknown.
BUT the unknown is where My Jesus is =) He calls to me, asking me to step out of the boat. He whispers to me sweetly, let me take care of you my child! When we are comfortable, we don’t need Jesus. We know what to expect and what to do and we have no reason to lean on Him or to cry out to Him for help. My worldly nature tells me, stay home. Stay with what you know. I have to fight that comfort everyday, because my Spirit longs for the Lord. My heart and flesh cry out for Him, the one who leads me by still waters even in the midst of the storm and the scary unknown. I WANT TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE! I want to be wrecked for Jesus. I want to have to lean on Him. To have to trust for His provision and not my own. To witness His divine miracles in places where He is the ONLY option for healing. I want to get to know a group of 6 teammates deeply. I want to learn to be vulnerable and honest. I want to love getting constructive feedback. I long for community like I have never experienced before. For intimacy with My Jesus like I have never known possible.
Right now I am comfortable, sitting on my bed blogging. Next year, I will write to you about how uncomfortable I have become. I want to stay home. I want to stay comfortable. I CHOOSE to go. You have to choose to not be comfortable. Comfort is easy and passive. I choose to walk out of my comfort zone and into the arms of Jesus…
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown
Where feet my fail
And there I find you in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
