Alright… I’ve got a few more confessions for y’all.
Confession #3: My heart is breaking, yet so full.
This has been a consistent theme during my time on the Race. We come, get settled in, build relationships, see the community and people like God does, and then we leave.
The people we have met are just so beautiful. Literally every single person we have met. If you don’t think God has uniquely and wonderfully made every single person on this Earth, start traveling.
Every place has been different, obviously, with living situations and peoples stories, so my heart has broken for various reasons. It’s broken for lost people, others brokenness, hopelessness, helplessness, and all the goodbyes.
But God always reminds of the joy in the situation, and for that, my heart has also become full. It’s been filled up by people’s consideration, love, hospitality, joy, laughter, and all of the friendships.
Confession #4: I feel guilty.
This is a confession that is quite hard for me. I didn’t think about the leaving part before I left on the Race…or how I would have to do it 11 times.
We come to serve. We come to love on the people and share the Gospel.
Sometimes we don’t see our service come to completion or people accept Christ in the month that we are there.
It’s hard. I feel guilty that I didn’t quite do enough or say the right thing. I feel guilty that I’m just gonna get on the plane, train, bus, ferry, etc, go to the next country, and that’s that.
I know that God is sovereign, and that He was working in these places long before I was even considering going on the Race, but it’s hard to not want to just stay and continue loving the community that you’ve made.
Confession #5: I’m homesick.
I’ve been out of America for about five and a half months now, and for the most part, I’ve been completely okay with being away from home. I’ve been very blessed with ministry locations that have wifi access to call home and stay connected with people and have been able to find some American comforts like Oreos, Lay’s, and Sprite to keep me content.
There’s something about actually getting physically sick though that makes you realize how much you actually miss home…
*que Emily gets food poisoning*
Let me just tell you that I’ve never gotten food poisoning before, and I am not a fan at all. I am so thankful for a team that accepts my completely irrational, desperate moments of stumbling into the other room asking if someone would come sit with me, because I thought it was possible that I was going to die. Let me repeat…completely irrational. But in those moments, all I wanted was to be in my bed at home with a trashcan beside me and my mom there bringing me a warm bathcloth to help me go to sleep. Then the feeling of homesickness just kind of stuck. I love where I am and am so excited about the months ahead, but there just some simplicities in America that I’m glad to be going without to learn that I can in fact survive, but they also sound so nice at the same time…
That’s not all though… call me crazy, but I’m also schoolsick and worksick.
I miss Troy and all of the people, places, and experiences that come with it.
I miss my professors and taking notes and studying for any Dr. Rossi test.
I miss talking to my Econ professors about how certain “scenarios” we have to prove an economic point, would never actually happen in real life. (And that’s why Economics was just my minor.)
I miss putting the small square at the end of a proof. It’s very satisfying.
I miss sitting at Moe’s at 11 PM, because it was the only place on campus open late.
I miss sitting at Village Coffee studying for literally hours on end with all of my pens and paper and all the things to keep me organized and sane.
I miss my friends and all of the things we could come up with to procrastinate (aka karaoke, just dance, going to the gym, getting ice cream, etc).
I miss my job. A lot.
I miss waking up at 4:30 AM to get CFA ready for the day, and sometimes the first person people would talk to in the morning when they come through the drive thru for their coffee and chicken biscuit.
I miss hearing the *ding* on the headset and answering ever so cheerfully “Thanks for choosing Chick-fil-A, this is Emily, how may I serve you?”
I miss the difficult guests.
I miss the committed (and maybe a little CFA obsessed) regulars.
I miss being the “cow handler” at Troy football games and throwing (or attempting to throw) little cows at people.
I miss the little kiddos that would trade their kid toys in for an ice cream cone (wise choice).
I miss all of my coworkers, managers, and operators.
And, I guess I should mention…I miss the food. A lot.
It’s sad to think that these will just be memories, and when I return home, I won’t be going back to this; but I am so thankful for all of the people I’ve met and memories I’ve made and how much all of the time spent in Troy truly prepared me for the Race.
And I know one day these 11 months will all be the same. I already miss all of the people and memories made prior to this moment; but I’ve grown so much in dependence on the Lord, and I know he is preparing me for something so much greater than I can imagine.
Thank you all for your support! I love you all (and miss y’all) so much! 🙂
