It’s no secret I’m Asian. Since the time I started school, I’d get asked what country I was born in or if it was hard to learn English. I never outwardly expressed that those constant questions bothered me because they were never asked from a place of malice, just pure curiosity about someone who looked different to them, but I was constantly reminded that I did look different.
For those of you that don’t know, I was adopted as a baby. My birth father’s side of the family is Hispanic and white, and my birth mother’s side comes from Thailand. So, ethnically I differ quite a bit from my parents and brother who are all of European descent. Now, this difference never made me feel like any less of a daughter or sister, and definitely not any less loved by my family, but I realize now that I never truly embraced, accepted, or even acknowledged the fact that I am half Thai. Over the years, I made myself forget that I didn’t look anything like my family and friends around me to avoid feeling alienated, and was only reminded after seeing a picture of myself (this sounds pretty weird and I honestly didn’t even notice I had developed this habit until recently).
Aside from ethnically, my environment didn’t help much with how I viewed and thought about myself either. I’ve talked about gymnastics a lot and I’m going to bring it up again here as it is an essential part of my story. This sport that I dedicated my life to for so long has such an intense competitive nature. How talented and successful you are correlates directly with how much you win. And even when you win, there was still something you could’ve done better. Years and years of striving for “perfection” significantly tainted how I viewed myself. These ways of thinking quickly spread to every aspect of my life – school, my physical appearance, any other passions I had, my character – I could always do better, I could always be better. So, to sum it up, being confident in myself and my abilities, and appreciating how God created me didn’t exist in my life for the longest time.
Bringing it back to present day – I have been living in Thailand for about 2 months now and I have been completely blown away by the culture, the people, and how God has used this country to redeem all of what I just talked about. Since choosing this route, Thailand had always been the country I was least excited about. I wasn’t excited for the spicy food or for all the natives to think that I was my group’s translator. But then we got here, we settled in, and just lived in the middle of this crazy beautiful culture for 2 months. I instantly fell in love with the country and the people that occupied it. The Thai teacher I have been working with is one of the most vibrant, hospitable, caring, joyful, intelligent, resilient, and beautiful woman I have ever met in my life. The week my team and I started living and teaching at the school, she instantly took me in, started calling me her daughter, and consistently showed me so much love. My students also took me in as their teacher, and more importantly, their friend from day one. They’ve shown so much interest in my flawed lesson plans, my life and where I come from. Being able to see them grow so much academically, spiritually, and personally has been so incredibly moving. I see so much light and beauty in all of them. And in each of them, God has showed me aspects about myself – Sweetie’s vibrancy, Noey’s thoughtfulness, Pupu’s intelligence, TomTam’s spunk, Arm’s humor, Aom’s kindness, Earn’s adventurous spirit, Snake’s boldness.
Through this country and the people I have met here, God has shed so much light on my true worth. Falling in love with this culture has allowed me to fall a little more in love with myself, and given me a deeper sense of gratitude and appreciation for the way the Lord created me. Thank you Jesus for showing me how incredible Thailand is, and In turn, how incredible you made me to be.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.” – Psalm 139:13-15
