"Scenes of You come rushing through, You are breaking me down. So break me into pieces that will grow in the ground. You know that I deserve to die for the murder in my heart. So be gentle with me Jesus as you tear me apart. Please kill the liar, kill the thief in me. I know that I am tired of their cruelty. Breathe into my spirit. Breathe into my veins. Until only love remains."
This song ("Only Love Remains" by J.J. Heller) has been on repeat on my iPod this month. It's been my prayer all month, yet for some reason this past week or two my journey with Christ has been mundane. My week hasn't been mundane at all, but inside things have felt kind of empty and not quite full of life. Many members of my team and I have had a hard time connecting to the ministry. We haven't felt like serving, we haven't felt like diving into the Word. Many of our conversations have been about the food we wish we had, the men of God we think we should be looking for (and in turn the weddings we could be gifted to plan in our future), the calling God has on our lives, the showers we wish we had, the ministry structure we wish we had, the Internet or conferences or ministries or locations the other teams have, etc. etc. etc.
As a leader, I've taken a part in these conversations. I've felt these things. My mind has been on these things. I've had to search to find God this month. I've had to force myself to make times for Him. I'm surprised when He shows up. And most of all, it's been really really easy to pick out what my teammates are doing wrong and where they need growth. When I'm asked what God's doing in my life, I have to really think, and my answers have been half-hearted. Questions like that have caught me off guard. While I feel more cultured, and more able to be able to navigate around a new city and pour into those in need, I feel like God's been far off. He hasn't moved in ways I've expected and it's been hard to hear His voice. God's been with us, there's absolutely no doubt about that, and I have heard His voice, but I haven't been doing my part at all.
I've been asking God to break me down, but I've been looking to my teammates to break down first. I've gauged my ability as a leader according to how close my teammates have gotten to brokenness. I've pushed them, I've encouraged them to be P31 women, and called them out when they haven't been. What I didn't realize was that I needed to lay down my life first and allow God to break myself down before I could ask that of any of them. I thought I needed to study up on what comprised of a P31 woman, and what the Bible said of women of God. I knew that God promised to make us women of God on this trip, but I believed that He would do that by using me to be the example of a P31. What I didn't realize was that the way I was going about this was completely wrong. To be a P31 woman, I must be the first to die to myself and cling to the Cross of Jesus and the Gospel message. If I don't do this, I am leading my teammates to death. I'm leading them, and myself, to religiosity. If I don't lay down my life, P31 as we know it is headed for destruction (Phil 3:19).
How can I be so ready to serve God and my teammates if I'm unwilling to deal with my own issues? I so desperately have wanted to hold everything together, to look like I know everything and that I can do everything and that everyone will be healed because I'm in charge. I've placed so much worth of myself as a leader in how much people are growing, and how many conflicts happen, and how many issues are brought to the surface each night at feedback. What a lie. I haven't listened to God's voice at all this month. If anything, I've done exactly what I've wanted and then tried to get God's blessing afterwards. My focus has been on the world, and of worldly things, and so my team has been led to do the same. When our focus is on this earth and life on this earth, the focus is NOT on the kingdom. We've become citizens of the earth and not citizens of heaven. I've felt stagnant in my grown and doubtful of God's voice. I've been leading the team because of my desires, because I've tried to "be me," when really, I need to be less of me and more of Jesus.
When Jesus talks about leadership, He calls the disciples together and says, "You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be a slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:42-45). Jesus could have had, and rightfully deserved, every single right granted to us on earth. Yet instead, He carried the burden, denied Himself, and drank the cup of suffering for the sake of everyone. And He chose the disciples not necessarily to preach a message, but to live their lives for Christ as an example–to give their lives to Him, to deny their "rights" and things they believed they deserved on this earth. In turn, I will not experience life and light until I die to myself, deny myself, and take up the cross, whatever the cost. I have to grab hold of the cross before I can even think of experiencing the benefits of it. This idea alone is the core foundation of the Christian faith. If I don't understand the cross, and only think of it as an afterthought, I've got nothing but empty, abstract, ideas of how to live a good, religious life on this world. I'll be a worldly Proverbs 31 woman, one looking for her husband or ways to work to be loved, instead of a Godly Proverbs 31 woman, one who knows that she must die to the flesh and cling to Jesus only, and that Christ will add everything after that foundation is built.
So I'm confessing to you that I've been an awful leader thus far. Month 1 has had its successes, and I truly believe that God's used my team to bless our contacts. By His grace God has led me to this moment. But as of now I'm completely surrendering my life. I'm done pinpointing my teammates issues and pretending like I don't have any. I'm done focusing on so many things of this earth and leading my team to do the same. I'm dying first. I'm a ball of clay, holding on to the progress I've already made, but releasing my pride in order to lay my life down and cling to the cross of Christ. Whatever the cost. (1 Peter 4)
Please be gentle with me Jesus, but I'm ready for pain as I'm torn apart.
Kill all these things inside me.
Until only love remains.
