Today I fell even more in love with my husband.
This month he's done so much to show me how much he loves me, but today has been awesome.
In the morning, I woke up at about 7:30 (sleeping in, since I get up at about 5:30 during the week) to make myself breakfast. I made myself an omelet with some veggies and eggs that I bought myself. I've been waiting to cook this breakfast for myself all week because we have to get out of the kitchen area by 7 for the kitchen staff to start making lunch. I made myself some Rooibos Chai tea, and I snuck off to a semi-secret spot on Pop-Up's property (it's not so secret anymore…it's just too great). It's on the side of the building on one of the rooftops, and you have to go up these sketchy stairs to get there. The weather this morning was gray and cold: just like fall in Seattle.
Just when I was starting to feel homesick on the Race, I found myself snuggled up on a rooftop, wearing a Northface and yoga pants, looking at a gray sky, a hilly landscape covered in trees, with a warm Chai tea and my bible. It couldn't have felt more like home.
I ended up having some great conversations instead of having actual quiet time (like I said, the place isn't very secret anymore), but it didn't matter. I came downstairs to get more tea, and our squad leader, Alexandra, invited the other team's leader, Kristi, and me to go with her to a coffee shop to have some real alone time. I've found that "alone time" on the race is really just 2-3 people together being quiet, or people sitting together with their headphones on. Regardless, it was one of the best "alone times" that I've had thus far on the race.
Recently I've been praying for Jesus to show me how he loves me like a husband, because it says that he does in the bible, and I know he's pursued me but I've never intentionally asked him to fill me with that love. It says in Hosea, "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes, says the Lord, you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" … "I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord."
You guys…he totally feels that way towards me. A couple of blogs ago, I wrote about going through a period of brokenness, realizing how little I had been depending on him to lead my team. I asked him to be gentle on me, bracing myself for a rough patch. But he's been so good to me–he redirected my path, put me back on track, and held my hand through it. He's spoken tenderly to me, given me hope, and showed me the tools he's given me to be the leader and the woman I was created to be. He's helped me see my purpose on the Race. He's changed me, because if you think about it, you don't learn to love someone without it changing you too. Best of all, he's woven my story into a gospel story.
Last month, God gently showed me how my pride had snuck in to my leadership position. I so desperately wanted to hear God's voice, yet I also so desperately wanted to change all of my teammates to be the women I could see God growing them to. I wanted our team to be a "healthy team." I grew impatient at the work God was doing and took the burden on for myself. Yet my desire to grow closer to God resulted in an unexpected revelation–that the closer I got to him, the more sinful I realized I was. He is so holy, and I'm just not. In Leviticus 10:3, it says "This is what the Lord meant when he said, 'I will display my holiness through those who come near me. I will display my glory before all the people.'" The beauty of recognizing how unholy you are compared to an all-holy God is that it naturally draws you to the cross. It's a beautiful cycle that gives God the glory, because when you're led to repent you come back to a right relationship with him. He showers his grace and love on you in a way you had never experienced before. He gives you gifts like making South Africa feel like a cozy Seattle morning, just because he knows that's exactly what you need to feel known and loved at that moment.
"He was preparing my heart on Friday, so I'd not be confused by people's praise on Saturday. I wanted success; he wanted authenticity. The Father was taking me on the same downward journey he took his Son. Paul invited the Philippian church to join Jesus, 'who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.' (Phil. 2:6-7). The downward journey is a gospel story. […] When we remove our false selves, repentance creates integrity. We return to the real source of love–our heavenly Father. We become authentic." God turns everything to our good, even my desire for love in places other than him or my tendency to take things into my own hands instead of trusting him. Through those things he's proven his faithfulness to me, and drawn me closer to him than ever before. I can hear his voice guiding my path and restored to me an incredible amount of joy and filled me with his love.
I know I have a lot to learn about God and how he takes care of me like a husband, but it's been an adventure so far. He continues his love story with me each day and is opening my eyes to who he is and how he loves me. The more I know him, the more I want to be the woman of God he's made me to be. I learn humility, patience, kindness. He even teaches me to plan and be more organized, and gives me a crazy amount of grace when I happen to misplace things or forget important things to do. I know I can't ever disappoint him and that he loves me for who I am and that he definitely laughs at me a lot. He gives me freedom to mess up but also to succeed. He speaks tenderly and gently to me when I do mess up, and I've literally felt him hold me in his arms when I'm sad or feeling homesick. He knows me–he created my heart and knows what I need more than anyone on this planet.
I think I've hit the jackpot.
