Hey blog world. So there’s a TON to do before I launch (I leave for Chicago on September 2), and I’ve spent the day on the computer just going through and making lists and planning like a madwoman. If you don’t know this yet, planning and logistics are not skills that come easily to me. If spiritual gift tests could speak, they would probably laugh and make a special negative score for me when it comes to the gift of administration. That being said, I’m taking a break from my planning time to write the first part of a three-part series on the story of my summer.
I’ve really struggled with fully expressing to you where I am now when it comes to my spiritual journey. Life looks SO different from what it did a couple months ago and I’m not sure where to even start. However, I've discovered there’s a passage that sums it all together. Proverbs 3:5-6 says,
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
The three major parts of these verses have spoken to me at different times, so for this first part I’ll be as concise as possible and try to tell you how God’s picked me up off the path I’ve been on and how He’s started to make it straight. I’ve included links to previous posts I’ve written in my personal blog, and I encourage you to click on them to have a better understanding of what I’m referring to (P.S. If you haven’t explored my old blog yet, you definitely should! I started it before I had fully rededicated my life to Christ).
Last summer and fall, I struggled a lot with trying to conform to the “perfect Christian lifestyle” that I had thought I’d learned about from growing up in the church (by the way–the "perfect Christian lifestyle" doesn't exist). This legalistic thinking led to a lot of white knuckling, judgmental thoughts about others, and disparity about myself. After Christmas break, there was a point where I broke down, realized I needed to accept my immaturities, and let God grow me and change my desires, even if that meant I crashed and burned along the way. Please read this entry, "purge and restart," taken from my personal blog to see where my heart was at that time.
One of the results of this thinking was that I decided to take a trip to Vegas with my sorority sisters with money that I had earned from working. I went against the counsel of my parents, my mentor, and other friends, thinking that they thought I just couldn’t handle the opportunity to minister in a town like Vegas. My heart was not in the right place going in either—I was making excuses and validating my desire to have one last hurrah with everyone. God certainly used this for good, as you can see from my post, "the fear and the loathing," and I can’t regret my decisions, but it was not the wisest decision I could have made. I didn’t take into account that there were supporters giving me their hard earned money to other areas of my trip, and that even though that was money I had made, I didn’t think about the money being God’s and not mine to use. I am deeply sorry to all of my supporters for this decision.
God was definitely starting to make my paths straight, but there were still glaring immaturities in my life. I decided to go against a conviction and revelation that God had showed me last fall (see "clothed with dignity and strength"), and letting someone back in my life that distracted and led me away from my values and calling. I was stubborn; I thought it would be okay to have this one bit of fun before leaving to serve God. I made excuses that this path was the one I should be on. But God stepped in, literally picked me up, and like the Israelites in Egypt, I was welcoming slavery into my life that God had brought me out of with his strong hand (like Deuteronomy 6:21). He didn’t let me continue on that path, and spoke through my mentor, Amy, who called me out and basically told me that she was praying for Godly conviction for me because at this point she didn’t think I was ready to go on the Race. This was all I needed—I was on my knees praying and in my room soaking up everything I could, trying to figure out why I was okay with blatantly being in sin and going against God’s will. I finished reading a book called Redemption: Freed by Jesus from the Idols We Worship and the Wounds We Carry, which I totally, 100% recommend, because it basically led me on a path of brokenness and dependence on God to take away the baggage I was carrying and holding on to.
God’s been incredibly faithful to me, and He was "making my paths straight" before training camp even began. I saw clearly what the second half of the verse meant—that as God’s kid, He would make sure I was on the right path regardless of whether I fought against it or not.
But as one of the stubborn kids, would this be enough to lead me to “lean not on my own understanding”—or the part that makes me cringe the most—“in all your ways submit to Him”? You stay tuned my beloved blog followers!
Next posts:
"Lean not on your own understanding: the story of my summer, pt 2/4"
ANSWERED PRAYERS:
My team, P31, CAN LAUNCH!!! Wooo hooooooo :).
Additional prayer requests:
That God would grant me a spirit of administration, ASAP. Yikes.
