I had a plan, you know. I thought it was a good and valuable and worthwhile plan. My plan would set me up for success no matter what career field I ended up choosing. While I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up (do we ever actually grow up?), I thought going to grad school would be a surefire way to have a great career and live a comfortable life. Which isn’t wrong, pursuing continued education is extremely valuable and the things I said before are true. But, the problem with this, I realized, is that these plans and goals and aspirations are riddled with “I’s and my’s”.
All throughout high school and college, I have never known what my calling was in life. Last time I was dead set on a career path, I was in second grade and wanted to be a dentist and have a mini poodle. It was especially discouraging because all of my closest friends knew exactly what their purpose was. They are nurses, they are school teachers, they are PT’s or coaches or counselors. I have always been so anxious and stressed about what “I” wanted to do with “my” life. My entire present and future has been focused on nothing but worrying about “ME”.
I remember realizing one day, that not once have I asked God what HE wants to do with my life. I realized that not once have I picked up my cross to truly follow Him. I had never surrendered my life to His will, and laid down my pride and my plans to pursue what He called me to. That was such a hard pill to swallow. I remember feeling the conflict between my soul and my flesh, “God, not my will but YOUR’S be done! (except that)(and that)(not today but we’ll start this whole thing tomorrow)”. I remember praying and asking God to reveal to me His will for my life. Then He called me to missions and I said “but God I have to finish grad school!”. He called again and I said “but God I can’t raise this much money in this amount of time!”. He called again and I said “but God.. what if I’m not enough?”. Despite my excuses and dismissals, I felt like I couldn’t shake this feeling of God drawing me to missions. For weeks, God was whispering in my ear “if not now, when?” over and over and over again. When I woke up, when I went to bed, when I was grocery shopping, when I was at the gym. The funny thing is, in Psalms, King David says that no matter where he goes, God always finds him there. I ran from His call and yet He still pursued me.
We, as a church, criticize Peter for denying Christ three times, as if we would never do such a thing. But how easily do we reject the call to give the Lord a blank check with our lives and truly lay ourselves down for the spread of the Kingdom? Thankfully God is gentle and gracious and kind, despite me, and keeps calling us until we finally answer. I have never felt more peace and clarity than when I decided to truly give up my life and hand my plans over to the Lord. I have been learning that when God calls us to deny ourselves and follow him, it allows Him to do INCREDIBLE things in and through us. MY PLANS DON’T EVER WORK. But His plans are good for He is always faithful. So less of ME in my life and more of YOU God!
