“Tonight, we’re going to have a short message, and then we’re going to head over to Overflow, get in the pool, and have a baptism party.” Gary Black’s words reverberated through my body. I knew the first time I heard it, I was supposed to be baptized that night. Yet I fought it. I had been baptized years ago by my dad in our little country church. I didn’t want to do it again. I was content with sitting on the sidelines and watching over people proclaim their faith to God.
Throughout the day, we were reminded about the opportunity to be baptized, and each time it was mentioned, it made me just a little more uncomfortable to dismiss the thought. I was on edge the whole day, fighting with God, asking him to be content with the baptism I had already had. I didn’t want to step out in front of a bunch of people. Over and over again I said no.
When the night’s session arrived, I was worn out. I had spent the afternoon walking around town in the hot sun, and I had been going nonstop for about 10 days at that point. I was ready to make it through session and go home. I even wore jeans as insurance that I wouldn’t be getting in the pool that night. As worship began that night, I felt a sense of relief and love wash over me like I had never experienced before. As we sang about the love of God, it started pouring rain around us. It was like God was washing us all clean and drowning us in his love. I felt so much freedom on that rooftop, and I worshiped with the goofiest smile on my face for the entire session. As we sat down, I could feel the release in my spirit. I was still resisting his call to get baptized, but He was overwhelming me with love in the midst of my disobedience.
As Gary Black began his message, I was enraptured by the encounter with the Holy Spirit that we had just had. I felt like I was seeing things through a new set of eyes and listening through a new set of ears. I took in every word of the message with a hungry spirit. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the shift that had just happened in my soul.
I finally felt like I loved God not because I had to in order to make him happy, but I loved him because his love was the most beautiful and wonderful thing I had ever experienced in my entire life, and I wanted to spend my life chasing after it with every single thing inside of me.
As Gary spoke about obedience, I felt the tug on my heart once again, but I pushed it down. I fought and fought. Gary spoke about a healthy fear of the Lord and what that looks like in our lives. He gave us five actions that come as a result of a fear of the Lord, and each one started with the word obedience. Each action felt like another reason why I should be baptized—instant obedience, obedience when it doesn’t make sense, obedience when it hurts, obedience when there is no benefit, and obedience until completion. At this point, I was so convicted that I made a deal with God—if I was going to get baptized that night, someone had to directly ask me if I was next.
After the session, before baptisms, I actually thought about going straight back to the hostel instead of going to the pool, but one of my teammates was planning on getting baptized, so I headed over, once again content with sitting in the sidelines. I sat on the side of the pool near Patricia, a woman who has quickly become a dear friend on my squad. Patricia has an incredible gift from the Father, and it usually involves her telling you exactly what you need to hear, even if you don’t want to hear it. So naturally, as the baptisms started, she leaned over and asked, “Emily, are you next?” My eyes turned into saucers as I took in her words. She stared at me and waited for my answer.
I heard the words immediate obedience in my heart and I was quickly up and heading over to the steps to the pool. After a couple people had gone, I walked into the pool with my jeans on, not even thinking about the fact that I’m a little allergic to chlorine and my shower was a ten-minute walk away. Gary smiled and asked me why I was getting baptized and I said, “The first time I was baptized, I had no idea what the love of God meant, and now I feel like I do.” Gary baptized me with fire and water in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit and I came out a new creation.
I was striving to earn God’s love. Now I grasp that I am worthy by no merit of my own.
I was tired and weary. Now I am refreshed.
I was searching for the approval of man. Now I seek His approval only.
I felt forgotten and replaced. Now I feel unconditionally loved.
I was in chains. Now I am free.
The one word that comes to mind when I think about that moment is the word fierce. At training camp, Erika asked us to picture ourselves as women coming home from the race, and during that exercise, I saw a woman who was so enamored with the Father’s love that she walked in a fierceness that I would have never achieved on my own. And so far, on the race, I haven’t felt like I’ve achieved that, or gotten close, but now I feel like I’m walking in that word with every fiber of my being. God’s fierce love has overtaken me, and I am walking in freedom that I never would have accomplished on my own. And my favorite part?
He’s calling me deeper still.
“See what manner of love the Father has lavished upon us, that we might be called children of God;
and that is what we are.”
1 John 3:1
This tiny, grainy picture is currently the only evidence I have, so it will have to do.
