I felt like I needed to write down all the things I wanted changed about my heart. The first thing that fell on the list was “my words”.
The day after I wrote that list, I felt a huge urge to seize from speaking. Without consciously thinking about the implications that would follow I committed to the task.
In that time, my hand motions and body language became much more dramatic. I would no longer be able to greet a new face, nor express my inner emotions, nor offer an opinion or advice.
Using a cherade like style of acting out what I could, there were times when I was understood and there were many more times when I was misinterpreted. It drove me to embrace the creativity behind non-verbal communication and increased my patience with those on the receiving end. I had to be much more choosey with what I decided to communicate because it now took much more time and energy for even the smallest comment.
9 days after beginning the fast I spoke again!
I don’t think I even know the entirety of the impact those 9 days had on myself, my teammates, nor the many other people who I came into contact with during those days. But the biggest take away was the humble posture that this state placed me in. Each time I came face to face with someone, the ability to connect became not only difficult but embarrassing. I wasn’t able to say hello, or my name, or thank you. I wanted so badly to show my love and care for others through my words but instead I began learning the impact that eye contact, facial expression, and physical contact would have. It made me wonder how God loves us though we aren’t able to always hear Him. In addition, it made me wonder how to display Christ rather than speak about Christ. The things I did would be that much more important and needed to be that much more thought through.
Learning to be content in this humility came when I saw the reaction I got as I motioned that I could not speak. Faces turned from friendly to fearful. Body language moved from open and inviting to closed and curious. I was looked at like something was wrong with me. Although I looked the exact same and did the exact same, I was seen as an outsider. On top of that, all of my emotions and thoughts and questions were no longer heard. Everything was kept between me and God.
There was one day in particular when I was at the apartment and Val and Brish came home and I was so excited to hear how their previous night with a friend had gone. Not even a moment later I realized there was no way for me to ask the things I wanted without being able to talk to them. I felt isolated within my own flesh. The feeling heightened when the rest of the team came home shortly after. I couldn’t even explain the entirety of the emotions I was having because I didn’t know how to act out those emotions and for them to be understood.
Thankfully one of my teammates knew something was going on inside me and offered to pray. I fell to my knees and silently sobbed as her words wrapped around me. In those moments I feel like God then showed me the second biggest takeaway from the 9 days.
As I squeezed my eyes together in that prayer an image of a younger teammate from school flashed across my eyelids. I remembered back to this girl who had given me a letter before I graduated. She wrote about how she had felt unseen, unheard, and unloved. How she had been bullied for much of her life. And how she felt for one of the first times that she was heard because of me. She thanked me for being the one who allowed her to finally fit in somewhere and feel like she could be herself. As this memory flickered through my mind I felt God saying to me that the feeling of being unseen and unheard and like an outsider that this teammate felt was exactly how I was feeling in that moment. I could relate to how she felt. And I felt like God was thanking me for helping people like her not feel the way I was feeling. A rush of God’s love poured over me and washed me clean as He connected my present emotion, with the reason behind the passion for the unheard that He gave me, collided. In the weirdest way, in that feeling of isolation, I felt so full and loved.
The third takeaway came as soon as the fast ended and I began speaking again. The reaction that occurred as soon as a word slipped out of my mouth said it all. Every eye in the room darted in my direction and every ear tuned in to hear. Words are powerful. I understand a little bit more about just how impactful our words can be.
The awareness that fasting from speaking gave me not only of my own words but of what was occurring around and within me heightened.
I love how creative God is. How He is able to teach me and transform my heart in a way I never would’ve imagined.
