Alrighty folks, buckle up because I’m about to get real vulnerable with whoever reads this blog. (: yay, so pumped! Before coming on the race I was very set on how important my story is to share!! How other people’s stories are powerful and can change lives! I think you may have read about that in one of my previous blogs. But if I’m being honest with you, coming on the race I was quite overwhelmed with a stupid lie shouted out by the enemy: ”you have no idea who you are.” Part of this was because I was entering into this whole new lifestyle and abandoning all I’ve known, but most of it was the enemy trying to strip me of my identity and try to make me feel lost. Luckily, I clung to the Lords truths and I have shared bits of my story along this journey with others as I’ve been prompted to do so, but I haven’t felt confident about it. This is me taking a step of boldness, sharing my story with whoever wants to read it. I believe that even if it’s slightly outside of my comfort zone to share it with y’all, it’s ok because I trust in the Lord and the mighty ways he will use it to impact others! So here we go! Here is my testimony.
Starting from the beginning…. I was born December 28th, 1999. I was raised in a Christian home which means I knew about Jesus at a young age. I attended Sunday school classes while my parents would attend the services. I remember singing songs and coloring pictures. I learned different bible stories like Jonah and the whale, Noah and the ark, David and Goliath, etc… all the usual Sunday School bible stories. I learned about this man named Jesus and how he loves me! That I can trust in him and the Bible. But, at this age all they were were stories that I was hearing and even though my child like faith was in amazement of the stories and the ways people were talking about this Jesus dude, I still had no idea how it applied to lil ol Emily’s life.
When I got a little older, I moved from Lincoln, NE to Grand Island, NE. I was 6 when I moved, just entering 1st grade.
I went through elementary school as an often quiet girl, kind to everyone. I would hug absolutely everyone and tell everyone I loved them. I worked hard in school but I easily got distracted and wanted to chat away during class as most kids did! My teachers were hard on me in my early elementary years and I would often get upset because I wasn’t as good in school as some of the people around me were. Plus I was probably extra sensitive when they were hard on me because I easily wore my heart on my sleeve. I spent the end of my elementary years working very hard to become organized, a strong reader, good at tests, etc. Going into middle school I also worked very hard and I finally became the “smart student” I had longed to be.
Next was the typical middle school phase, a weird time in life. I started to gain my identity from people around me, working hard to be the best I could be for people around me, whether it was for my teachers, my parents or to fit in with friends. Luckily everyone seemed to like me! I never wore the cutest clothes or had the most friends. And I was always ok with that up until I got to middle school. I for some reason began trying to beg my parents for cuter clothes, hanging out with the cool kids and dating the cute boys. I desperately wanted to be acknowledged and fit in.
I began participating in every single activity I could. Man, sometimes I would run myself into the ground! Busy, busy, busy I was. I recognized I was good at sports and I enjoyed them a lot, but on the flip side I tried to perform for those in the crowd and seek affirmation in them. I would sing in choir or play in band and try to do well on stage. I tried to get the best grades. Pretty soon the whole school new who I was and I was proud of that.
Everyone knew who I was but also everyone knew me as the sweet goodie-two-shoes Emily. The kind church girl that everyone seemed to like. This is when my friends started getting into the wrong things. I had people around me in middle school asking me to drink with them. Some of them were already sneaking out and partying, smoking vape pens and even a few of them having sex. I wanted to fit in and be cool so I’d hang out with them. And honestly I loved them a lot regardless of their decisions. But, it’s when I started to change who I was to fit in is when things went wrong. And this is when the double life started.
I was often times one person at church and one person around people at school. I wanted so badly to be seen at school. I felt lonely a lot of the time even though I was surrounded by so many people. I luckily had a good understanding of who Jesus was at this time. I would attend element, the middle school/high school youth group. I absolutely loved to worship and the teachings spoke into my life in crazy ways. I was hearing how much greater life was to walk with Jesus but in all honestly I didn’t fully listen. Well I would, but I wouldn’t apply it to my life. I was living a double life, adapting as a chameleon to the people I was around. I thrived at the environment of youth group and I was excited to continue learning about Jesus. I accepted Jesus into my heart in July of 2012! I was baptized along with many other students that night. It was an amazing night that I will never forget.
Going into highschool, I wanted to seek out new friends. I was very much myself in the fact that I was still very kind and loving to everyone and honestly going into highschool I still had that innocent girl title. At this point I was one foot in with Jesus and one foot in with the world. I found a great group of girls that I felt I instantly clicked with. I did multiple school activities with them and honestly just loved the people they were! I became closer to them and I finally felt like I had a solid group of people in my life. That group I had always been seeking! But then popularity began to sneak in even worse than before. I wanted to be cool and look cool all the time. I disregarded all the people I once spent time with in middle school and honestly became judgemental of the people around me. If you weren’t cool then I’d be nice to you but I wouldn’t be around ya long. This sounds harsh, but looking back on these moments this is honestly the way I was acting and thinking, even if I didn’t know it. My freshman year was a hectic one. But I was looking forward to CIY, a big summer camp. That camp changed my life!! The next summer did as well. During these summers, I learned what it meant to give things over to Jesus. I learned that Jesus is always with me and he died for me because he loves me. I learned that he is always, always with me. I also felt the Lords presence in amazing ways those nights as I worshiped with my youth group and cried with them. There was so much newfound joy and freedom!
During my freshman and sophomore year, a lot of the upperclassman boys liked girls in my friend group! It was great at the time having cute older boys like you. I began in many ways trying to impress them and I desired their affection. My friends started dating upperclassmen and that was the cool thing to do so I did as well. Luckily the Lord kept me out of a lot of situations and saved me from a lot of heartbreak and bad decisions. There was that still small voice that said “no, that’s not a good idea Emily.” This is when I first recognized this voice. Still small, but recognizable. Thankfully I listened to it at this time of my life! And around this time I discovered I was moving to Colorado!
I was stronger in my faith at this point and knew God had something planned for me. I had a lot of peace about moving! I was excited for the new adventure. I knew moving would be hard but I had a positive attitude going into it.
I played basketball after I moved, even though I absolutely hated playing basketball! Haha I was not good at it at all. But, my coach told me I should play because I would have the opportunity to stay active until softball season and I’d meet new people. So here I was in a new place, meeting new people. I met a girl named Rachel Tate and she is the sweetest. She was probably my first friend in CO. She invited me to go to her youth group with her! I was so excited to go but I was honestly instantly very stubborn as I recognized all the differences between my old church and this new one.
I compared a lot of things right away, actually. I recognized the difference in the people and I realized I didn’t really fit into any of the popular, already formed friend groups. I was still wrapped up in this popularity motive. Also, when I moved I held on tightly to a lot of relationships from home. I would stay connected to them through text or social media and constantly want to hear about all that was going on there. I also dating a boy long distance which definitely connected me to GI. I was living one life in Colorado, trying to adapt to a new place where I knew no one but also going back and visiting GI, always seeing only friends and the boy I was dating. I was afraid to no longer have those deep connections in my life and be open to things that were unfamiliar. I think still holding onto my old home was where that comparison and criticism was coming from.
Over time it really took a tole on me. I remember one night laying in bed crying and I told myself I needed to cut off all the ties to my old home so I could focus in on where I was and start building relationships where I was. I cried out to the Lord and asked him to walk alongside me and I felt a lot of comfort. If it wasn’t for the Lord and the perseverance he encouraged me to have, I wouldn’t have made it through this time with the joy I somehow carried. I honestly was a new person when I gave these things up to the Lord and I had a whole new perspective. I began making more friends and getting even more involved. I had a few people, specifically Coert and Terry at the time that instantly grabbed onto me at church and began pouring into me. By giving me space and having patience with me, they walked alongside me as the Lord took some of those worldly lies and began to chisel them away from my identity. Some of those lies of needing to fit in and needing affirmation from others began to fall away. The Lord was walking me through a time where he wanted to completely strip me of this popularity thing because he never provided me with that group that I once had. He humbled me and revealed to me that Jesus was not selective, he was truly nice to everyone.
So I began to live that way, being friends with this person and that person, all different people from different places. All those stereotypes fell away and I learned how to just be my loving self and accept all people as they were. I worked hard at this time. I would play my sports and I just loved on the people around me the best I could. This led to people naturally becoming my friend and inviting me to things. But sadly, one of those things were parties.
The enemy used this lie of wanting to fit in way too many times. He knew it was my weak spot. Even when I’d grow, he’d still come into my life and try to warp any truths I was holding on to. He’d do anything to get me to feel lonely and so I would occasionally put myself into situations that weren’t always healthy. That still small voice began to creep in again. He would ask “why are you drinking that alcohol right now Emily?” “Why are you currently in this situation?” I tried to negotiate so many times with the Lord saying, “but God, I’m still being smart in these situations. And I’m actually just being kind to people and spending time with them!” I knew in my heart though that I wasn’t in the right places at the right time and I was easily persuaded to do things I shouldn’t be doing. I knew the people I was with weren’t lifting me up. People were easily captivated by the temporary fixes that brought them attention and happiness. But it would only last for a second. I was sneaky, keeping the lives I was living separate but it was exhausting and soon the lives blurred together. I heard the Lord say “this is not who I called you to be.” I said, “thank you Jesus,” in that moment. I said, “thank you Jesus for protecting my heart so many times and thank you Holy Spirit for giving me discernment. You didn’t let me fall in too deep.”
I then remember after even a couple more times of going to parties or doing whatever I was doing, it because literally not fun haha. I was driving home after being at my friends house and I felt the presence of the Lord fall upon me. I felt his hope and relief of forgiveness. I felt like he was saying “you can continue to choose to seek affirmation in the things around you or you can choose to seek affirmation in me. You know I will still love you if you don’t chose me because you are my daughter, but not choosing me will continue to give you a void in your heart that you will never be able to fill.” I said, “Jesus I’m sorry for not choosing you. Please forgive me! I now choose you. I want to not only be a fan of you, but I want to follow you.”
Since that moment, my life changed. I gained more confidence in who I was and how I don’t need affirmation from others. I was more attracted to things that were building me up rather than tearing me down. I desired to grow and I was more hungry to learn about the Lord. I started surrounding myself solely around people that were people that loved Jesus and it still amazes me today how the people that weren’t a positive influence naturally began to fall away and out of my life.
I was patient with the Lord in this process and those who truly loved me continued to seek me out and continued to develop friendships with me. Once I got to this solid place, with a solid community around me, I began to see the brokenness of the world the way it was and love people where they are. I empathized with where people were at and the Lord gave me opportunity to speak into their lives about things I had also struggled with. It was the start of a transformation of my mind that could have literally only come from God.
I went on a mission trip to Vegas and I got to see the world in a new light. I sat with the homeless and shared a meal with them, I walked around and prayed for people and literally saw their lives change before my eyes. The Lord touched them. I worshiped on the strip of Vegas, one of the darkest places and yet I felt so much hope and faith!!! I saw people delivered from addiction, from depression, etc. I got to speak with a few people: a man who had once been in prison for murder and now knows Jesus and is healed and saved, now walking with the Lord and then another man, one of the happiest I’ve ever met, homeless and yet trusts in the Lord so much and carries so much joy! One of my friends was also healed on this trip. He can now hear when he was once deaf. And another friend, completely transformed by Jesus. She gave up her razor and committed her life to Jesus. I learned how real God is on this trip and how powerful he is! And how he wants to use me to love on his people. It was an amazing experience.
A few months later I sat in my medical CNA class when a girl next to me said she was looking to take a year off and travel. I was like what? Is this even a thing? I had always had in my mind that the only possible path after Highschool was college. But, I was curious so I checked it out. I found countless expensive programs and it didn’t seem like that’s where the Lord was calling me. But I prayed over it!
One Tuesday afternoon, I asked my pastor to speak at FCA and he spoke about his mission trip to Uganda. At the end of this inspiring talk he said “I encourage you all to take a year off and go on a missions trip.” I instantly got chills. I told all the people that were in the room after FCA, all the leaders in my life, that I knew what the Lord was calling me to after I graduated. And it was a mission trip.
And here I am, a year or so after that day and I am in South Africa. And quite honestly, my life isn’t anything special. Days are still hard and challenging. I’m still tempted by everyday, worldly things. I’ve struggled with comparison, lust, greed, pride- all the things! But, I’m constantly recentering my focus on the Lord and clinging to the truths he says about me. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that I have the Lord by my side and I’m learning more and more about him everyday. I’m pursuing him because I know a relationship with him is all I truly want and need. I have chosen him and I will continue to choose him, even on the days when it’s hard to because he has blessed me with this story to prove his faithfulness and endless pursuit of me. And I’ve discovered this: being in the center of his will and surrendering to his plan for me rather than my own is exactly where I want to be. I wouldn’t chose anything different.
And so there ya go. Thank you for reading my story (: message me with any questions.
