This month I was faced with my scariest challenge yet since leaving home.
Something I would almost dare to say was one of my biggest fears coming on the race, yet something I knew was inevitable.
This month, as our boys left for manistry, I was put on a temporary team of 5 girls.
Yes, an all girls team. Yes I feel as dramatic as that sounds.
I realize now that this fear had probably stemmed from the fact that this was the first time in my entire life I haven’t lived with brothers. These World Race boys have truly become my brothers, in many ways just like my own at home.
Girls are crazy and fun, but are also scary and emotional. I’m an A1 example of this.
But alas, on January 12 I waved goodbye to our boys, probably off to go tell sherpas on Mount Everest about Jesus, and I joined my new team in our tall, cold, pink house.
First, I would just like to say to any future girl racers – all girl teams are not as terrifying as you may think. And against any prior beliefs I had these past few weeks, I have grown in ways I never would have if I was allowed to stay in my comfortable bubble.
Since leaving in September I have been on a slow downfall of losing my voice. Surrounded 24/7 by copious amounts of inspiring, out going, Jesus loving, creative humans caused me to begin doubting any of my own thoughts or ideas were unique, true, or worth mentioning. This isn’t by any fault of my team, but my own insecurities. These passive thoughts soon became filters that tied my tongue. I often complained, as the months progressed, how journaling and writing, which was once something I loved, had become a chore. I hated it.
Those filters had slowly becomes walls I created in an attempt to protect my insecurities. Walls that began to block me out of my own thinking. Through this last week God has been slowly bringing to light that lie I didn’t even know I believed, and He has been using my sisters here to do that.
Last night as my small team sat at Red Mud Coffee having our weekly devos when a final question was asked, “What things has God entrusted to you that you would like to share more intentionally with the world around you (ex. Your time, your finances, your giftings, etc.).”
While the rest of the night I had been sharing how I wanted to be more generous with my time, when this question was asked I was hit with a very different idea.
“Your thoughts. Your speech. You are so focused on yourself. How you sound. How you look. You miss the times I want you to speak.”
This started a conversation that allowed God to bring to light and tear down those walls I had been subconsciously building for too long. And by doing this during all girls month He is giving me the chance to begin this vulnerability with some of my best friends near by.
Of course I’m uncomfortable. That’s why I’m growing.
